Hey there, mind if I scooch by? You know, you really should keep the walkway clear in case of an emergency. It’s just that bags too large to fit under the seat are supposed to be stowed in the overhead compartment. No, I don’t work for the airline. Just a concerned citiz — shhh, safety briefing’s about to start! Let’s give Megan our full and undivided attention.

Sorry Megan, I’m gonna have to interrupt. 14A — what the hell is that? A sudoku?! What part of “your full and undivided attention” did you not understand? That’s it; you just lost your window seat privileges. Clearly you can’t be trusted with the emergency slide.

Please continue, Megan.

Am I comfortable performing these exit row duties? Uh, should passengers secure their own oxygen masks before assisting others? Duh.

You know, this may be about the extra legroom for everyone else, but this is life and death stuff, people. Here, let me show you a picture, 14A. Not too pretty is it. It’s called de-gloving, and it’s what happens to the skin when it comes into contact with 800 degree jet fuel.

Come on! Don’t tell me I’m the only one who took Delta’s two-day intensive seminar on exit row responsibilities.

You believe these amateurs, Megan? Unreal.

Okay — pop quiz, hot shots: how many emergency exits are there on this wide-body 747? Tick tock, tick tock. Nobody? Well congratulations, you just lost 264 souls—kids mostly; class trip to Washington, D.C. What. A. Shame. The good news is you’re dead too so you don’t have to live with the guilt. Because, believe you me, with that kinda thing on your conscience, it’s not long til you’re sucking on a revolver like a cocktail straw.

Ooh that reminds me — Megan, can I bother you for a ginger ale? Thanks, doll.

Right, while we’ve got a few moments to ourselves, I’d like to lead the Economy Plus section in some quick evacuation drills. Go ahead and grab that red handle and jerk — Oh, Megan, you’re back. No ginger ale, I see… Sure I’ll take my seat, right after I’m sure — now don’t go alerting the captain.

Oh, I’m a flight risk? No you’re the flight risk, Megan! You and 14A and everyone else in this goddamn cabin. But I’ll have the last laugh because when things go south, I’ll decide who lives and dies — I AM THE DECIDER.

Oh, what? Is that badge supposed to impress me, Mr. Air Marshal? Because I have logged over 500 hours on Flight Attendant Simulator for CD-ROM. I am a Delta-certified junior emergency helper and in Economy Plus that makes me God! And God cannot be taze—.