1. His pictures consist of exactly 50% stock images of American Adult Men and 50% blurred images of TGI Fridays Baked Potato Skins.
2. His interests read: Adult male human activities such as ball sports, sexual intimacy, sour cream, walking on beaches with my two male human adult feet, heteronormativity, bacon bits, cats followed by a list of nutritional facts and a link to the TGI Friday’s online menu.
3. When you finally gather the nerve to call him, he answers with what you later discover to be audio clips from The Talented Mr. Ripley:
YOU Hey, how’s it going?
“HIM”: That scent you’re wearing. I bought that. For you.
YOU: Sorry, what was that? I don’t think I heard you right.
“HIM”: I don’t know what to believe.
YOU: What are you talking about, Brad? You’re scaring me.
“HIM”: Whatever you do, however terrible, however hurtful, it all makes sense, doesn’t it? In your head? You never meet anybody who thinks they’re a bad person.
YOU: Does this have anything to do with that message you sent me about causing heart disease in children?
“HIM”: Don’t you just take the past and put it in a room in the basement and lock the door and never go in there?
YOU: Okay now you’re just being a dick hole.
“HIM”: That’s what I do…. And then you meet someone special, and all you want to do is toss them the key and say, Open up, step inside. But you can’t. Because it’s dark. And there are demons. And if anybody saw how ugly it is…
YOU: I still have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’m seriously aroused.
4. He invites you on a date to TGI Fridays and when you get there he’s an order of Baked Potato Skins.
5. Despite being 99.9% sure that he’s a TGI Friday’s Baked Potato Skin you continue sending messages and the occasional topless photo. Eventually he calls you a bitch and blocks your account after you admit to kind of liking Applebee’s potato twisters.