Oh, I’m sorry – what was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of “Shimmering Grooves,” my Spotify playlist of sacred Thai chants. At least, I think they’re Thai – to be honest, I’m so blissed out that I truly can’t distinguish one culture from another.
Why am I so relaxed, you ask? You’ve heard of New Age, yeah? Well, this is the New New Age. And in the New New Age, bliss is the key to a door that opens to a closet full of kimonos we white women have no business wearing.
Sorry, one second – I’m wrapping up my daily tongue flapping. Ever heard of meditation? This is like that, but a lot less time-consuming.
Flap flap flaaaaaap.
Many New Age practitioners cut out meat, subsisting on Eastern ingredients like tofu or turmeric. In the New New Age, we acknowledge and respect traditional Eastern food preparation… but, seriously, do you know how long it takes to press tofu? The New New Age totally empowers others to live their truth, which is why we’re fine springing for a $42 bowl of deconstructed ramen from a Connecticut chef named Chadwick.
Look alive! It’s the New New Age!
The New New Age transcends appropriation. In fact, we transcend all things physical, categorical, and temporal. We just so happen to love dreadlocks on Irish-Catholic girls. Viva la vulva!
The New Age is all about tapping into your highest self, which sometimes takes the form of protesting in the streets. In the New New Age, we reject the act of protesting in the streets. Marching is just another way we oppress a small, powerless part of our body-temples: our soft feet.
In the New New Age, we spend our weekends baking banana bread (quirky!) in limited-edition Le Creuset pans (expensive!), then sprinkling the loaves with CBD extract from our homegrown cannabis plants (green, like chimichurri!).
Um, what? No, cannabis is fully legal. If it were illegal, wouldn’t we have been arrested by now? If someone’s in jail for having smoked weed, that’s, like, completely ridiculous.
Rise up, girls! It’s the New New Age!
In the New New Age, we do not like Long Island Medium. The New New Age originated in Brooklyn, not Long Island, and Theresa Caputo blatantly appropriated our core tenets. What are our core tenets, you might ask? Veganism, meditation, holistic medicine and an emphasis on the family — all things we discovered in Brooklyn. In our lofts. On the internet.
In the New New Age, we don’t have access to spiritual texts, but we know every goddamn line of the Fleabag Season 2 finale.
Himalayan salt lamps? Members of the New New Age take things one step further by lighting peppercorns on fire with flint and steel (the flint is shaped like a fallopian tube). Then, we dance to the arhythmic shrieks coming from the smoke alarm and thank the firefighters for coming to check things out (the New New Age doesn’t believe in calling firefighters to tell them we’re OK, because the New New Age thinks phone calls are so awkward).
The New New Age declines to comment on Marianne Williamson.
In the New New Age, we don’t subscribe to creationism. Or evolution, for that matter. We’re honestly not sure how the world was created, but we’re pretty sure it had something to do with Rihanna being a total baddie.
Followers of the New Age love to brag about harvesting milk from almonds. Well, New New Age practitioners are just as innovative. We’ve figured out how to get access to all-natural, non-pasteurized milk from free-range, humanely treated cows: by walking into a Whole Foods and buying a $17 gallon of all-natural, non-pasteurized milk from free-range, humanely treated cows.
Interested in joining the New New Age? Oh, wow! Yes! That’s great! Viva la vulva! I’m still with Her! God is a Woman and she loves açaí bowls!
Flap flap flaaaaaap flap flap flap flaaaaap!
Oh, you already have an untuned ukulele and some Siggi’s in the fridge? Great news: you’ve been a part of the New New Age all along!