What matters??? Oh god. Oh no. That petty thing I said on Twitter? That passive-aggressive email I sent at work? This spin class? Why does everything matter so much?! I thought nothing mattered!

“Everything you’ve ever done has brought you to this moment.”

Oh my god. I’m here. I really did get here by driving here and walking in the door but ohmygod. My life is a series of events that has brought me to this workout class and now I’m on this stationary bike in a dark room and ohmygod. I have done so much to get here. To this bike.

“You’re strong. You’re a Kelly Clarkson song. You’ve got this.”

YAAAAAAS. I AM a Kelly Clarkson song. I am so fucking strong!

Wait, this is a Jonathan Van Ness quote.

“We are an army.”

An army? That’s a bit much.

No. This is my army. We are going to conquer this shit together! What shit? I don’t know. But we are an army of sweaty white women on stationary bikes and we’re gonna accomplish… something.

“When was the last time you were truly present?”

Shit. I don’t know. Am I ever present? Am I present right now? Does being present with my Twitter feed count? Oh no. I’m a terrible person who doesn’t know how to be present.

“I’m going to touch your hand so you know we’re in this together.”

I’m not alone? I’m not alone! I can’t believe I don’t have to go through this hellscape of life in 2019 alone and that my spin instructor is going to be the one by my side.

“For sale, baby shoes, never worn.”

That is fucking heartbreaking. What does this have to do with spin class? Also, wait, that’s a Hemingway story.

“Take a moment to FEEL.”

Hold on, but I don’t wanna feel. I use this spin class to dissociate from real life so I can just brutally pedal and lift tiny weights in a candlelit room by myself. Crap. Here come the feelings.

“This is your training ground for real life.”

Damn. I am CRUSHING IT. Does that mean I can crush it in real life?! Even that tricky social interaction with that asshole at work? Nope. Or that awkward family thing I’ve been avoiding? Nope. Okay, I’m failing. I’m doomed. This training ground isn’t working.