Hi, all! I’m back with my ALARMING CLAVICLES to welcome you for this twenty-minute, HIGH-INTENSITY interval workout you’ve tried to start during the last TWENTY-SIX NAPTIMES!
I am FIT! I am CHIPPER! I am SUPER FAMILIAR because I look a little like the trainer at your old gym who pointed at your belly pooch and said, “DON’T WORRY, Mama, tummies take a FEW WEEKS to bounce back after birth!” when your baby was sixteen months old.
Are you ready to WORK? Awesome, let’s talk EQUIPMENT! Let’s talk about it LOUDLY and with INCONSISTENT SOUND BALANCE that makes you LUNGE FOR THE REMOTE!
Good job, Mama, you’ve just done your first lunge! Now let’s do nineteen more—
Oh, did you just hear a small person whimpering? Hit pause and stand stock still.
Stiller than that.
Let’s call this the meditation portion of this workout. We can’t call it a recovery period because you haven’t done anything yet.
Be stiller than Bambi’s mom listening for the hunter that took her life. It should be easy to remember the pose because you foolishly watched Bambi just yesterday, after your toddler squealed BABY DEER in glee and you were too exhausted to remember what was coming.
You spent the rest of the day wearing a toddler for a necklace, which is a BONUS because Toddler Neck Squats MURDER your glutes. Take this moment to hit “like” and subscribe to my SQUATSANITY channel for more tips!
All good? Still out cold? GREAT! Back to EQUIPMENT. Go ahead and find those BIG RUBBER BANDS you hid on the highest shelf before they could become EYE-REMOVING LASSOS. We’re gonna wrap them around our glutes like a toddler hugging your behind—
Is your toddler hugging your behind?
No, it’s cool, I’ll wait.
And we’re BACK! And you have a WORKOUT BUDDY! Your buddy is THREE FEET TALL and CRYING, but we can WORK WITH THAT!
We’re getting all set for our first interval. I’m gonna need you to go ALL IN on these burpees for the NEXT TWENTY SECONDS, starting NOW!
That’s it, don’t leave anything behind! LAY IT ALL DOWN!
I don’t mean you should literally be lying down. I understand that some of you may have companions who are currently kicking and screaming on the floor, which is a workout all on its own, but you’ve got TEN MORE BURPEES—
And THEN we get on the floor, because it’s time for PUSH-UPS! We’re going to do these for THIRTY SECONDS! Are you ready to GO HAM?
Also, do you have ham? Your workout buddy WANTS HAM. It’s a good source of protein, and it’ll bulk you both up while you attempt push-ups for ANOTHER THIRTY SECONDS with your BUDDY on your BACK because YOU ARE A HORSE.
You should be SWEATING now, friends! You should be SWEATING BUCKETS, because—
Oh, you need to pause again to get the sand bucket so your buddy can play beach?
Okay, I’m here when you’re READY TO WORK.
Back? Great, now it’s time for TEN MINUTES of STEADY STATE CARDIO.
Or, for those of you with toddlers, TEN MINUTES OF UNREMITTING INTERROGATION from your WORKOUT BUDDY.
What is that swishy thing?
Who is that lady on the TV?
Why is your body bending like that?
Because Mommy is trying to PROPEL HERSELF across a RIVER OF TEARS.
How do bodies bend?
With exhausted MUSCLES and squeaky JOINTS and BONES BRUISED BY A TEE BALL BAT.
Why are you crying? Why are you crying? Why does ANYONE cry? Does God make crying? WHO IS GOD AND WHERE DOES GOD LIVE?
If you’ve still got enough OXYGEN to answer QUESTIONS from your workout buddy, you are NOT WORKING hard enough, Mamas! You’ve GOT this! You should be PUSHING through the PAIN like a BULLDOZER—
Oh, does your workout buddy like BULLDOZERS?
Is your buddy about to have a FULL-BLOWN CONNIPTION because you aren’t watching BLIPPI giggle and squeak about CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT after the first TWELVE VIEWINGS TODAY?
Are you ready for LUCKY NUMBER THIRTEEN?
I am SO STOKED for you. See you at naptime tomorrow!