We, the management of Capital Venture Partners, are thrilled to announce that effective immediately, Gonzo Media and its various subsidiaries will be joining the CVP family. And like any loving family, we are welcoming our newest member via a mass unexpected all-staff email.

As an employee of Gonzo Media, you might be wondering: “What does this mean for me?”

Well, we want to assure you that on your end, the transition should be all but seamless. Gonzo Media will retain its own operations; your internal communications will remain on their respective platforms; and when you receive a debilitating pay cut three weeks from now, we guarantee that you will hear the news from a Gonzo Media staffer. (A staffer who will get their pay cut three weeks and one day from now).

Rest assured, we love the creative work that Gonzo Media has been doing, and we don’t intend to meddle with it. We’re not journalists or writers; we’re business experts, and we plan to stay in our lane.

For example, we won’t be telling any managing editors what stories to assign. But we will be eliminating the managing editor position to ensure that Gonzo Media remains solvent. We won’t be redesigning any websites. But we will be recommending a dramatic increase in ad sales that ultimately necessitates a redesign. We won’t do anything to stifle Gonzo Media’s iconic culture. But we will be asking every employee to relocate to our headquarters in Aspen, Colorado, for synergy’s sake.

Also, we think Gonzo Media’s logo should maybe be purple. From a business perspective.

We have heard some people express concern because Capital Venture Partners also owns Gauntlet News Group. But we want to stress: we did not acquire Gonzo to stifle Gauntlet’s competition. And you can read more about Gonzo’s independence from Gauntlet on Gonzo’s new URL, gauntlet.com/gonzo.

Another question that’s come up: will there be a conflict of interest with our investors? Will Gonzo Media’s reporting be held back because they’re not sure which billionaire they’re allowed to criticize? We’re proud to say that shouldn’t be a concern because Gonzo’s writers can simply avoid covering billionaires altogether.

Please direct any questions about your health insurance plan to our intimidating conglomerate-wide portal that is impossible to navigate. Then, when you finally give up, direct any further questions to our intimidating Chief People Officer, who is impossible to navigate.

Also, we think you could probably be doing twice as many articles for half the budget. We’re honestly surprised that no one has thought of this solution before.

Still worried? Don’t be. The current CEO of Gonzo Media — who will be getting a massive payday, regardless of the rest of the company’s fate — has released a statement to the press about how excited he is about our upcoming partnership. And it’s the best kind of partnership: where one partner has complete financial leverage over the other.

We understand that Gonzo Media recently voted to unionize, and Capital Venture Partners strongly supports that effort. That’s why, in the spirit of solidarity, we will not be terminating any union member’s employment — until we dissolve the entire company at once. Together!

Also, we think there’s a lot of money in Facebook videos. We think that right now.

We know that change can be scary. We also know that gaslighting an entire company by saying “change can be scary” — when people are actually afraid of tangible consequences like abruptly losing their entire way of life — can be scary.

But we will get through this transition stronger than ever. We just won’t be specifying who we mean by “we.”