On behalf of the Board of Directors for Polar Express Railways (PER), we would like to formally implore the current president to put aside any distractions and finally make good on his promise to devote a week to rebuilding our nation’s crumbling infrastructure.

The dire need for this Infrastructure Week cannot be overstated. Mr. President, despite our corporate policy to sugar-coat most things, we are not going to sugar-coat this statement: The Polar Express endangers the life of every child who boards it.

We repeat. The Polar Express endangers the life of every child who boards it.

In the past five years, The Polar Express has de-railed five times. We only make one trip a year. Doing the math there, you can see that de-railing occurs on 100% of Polar Express trips. De-railing should not be a regular occurrence for any train, let alone one entirely populated by children.

Just last year, the entire engine inexplicably broke free of the track (our research team suspects foul play by a band of mischievous Christmas coyotes) and pulled the entire train over a frozen lake, narrowly outrunning the crumbling ice behind it. Admittedly, the train made great time that year, and yes, the children aboard described that particular trip as a “magical thrill-ride,” but this is frankly no way to do business. We shudder to think what would have happened had the conductor not managed to lasso a nearby friendly snow moose who pulled the train to safety. Imagine if there had been no friendly snow moose, Mr. President.

While we’re on the subject of the conductor, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the lack of available headcount here at PER. With just a little funding, we could create so many jobs, Mr. President. Currently, we have just one employee performing ALL of the following roles:

  • conductor
  • engineer
  • head chef
  • coal shoveler
  • ornament sorter
  • resident magical train tramp
  • Santa Claus

Sure, the guy’s charismatic, don’t get us wrong. But one man can only wear so many hats!

Our supplies are scant. Without proper funding, how are we supposed to refill the hot cocoa fondue fountain? The garland dispenser? The wreath machine? The decorative ticket punching expenses alone are enough to drive us to the brink of bankruptcy.

The complimentary silver bells we hand out to the children are shoddily made. They stop working after a few years! The kids have started speculating it has something to do with whether or not they believe in Santa still. It doesn’t — they’re just shitty bells!

Apologies if we sound frustrated. It’s just that we’ve seen this administration come so tantalizingly close to Infrastructure Week time and time again, only to have plans derailed by some scandal or internal White House drama. And unfortunately, this derailing cannot be solved by a friendly snow moose. God, though we wish it could.

Listen, we understand. We’ve had our fair share of scandals here (asbestos in the caboose, if you know what we mean). But we’re on your side! We’re all Republicans here! We would have voted for you in 2016 if Gary Johnson hadn’t been such an irresistible candidate.

But all that aside, we beg you: Stay focused and make Infrastructure Week happen this year, preferably before the holidays. Unless you’d like to find out if any of these kids are Unbreakable.

Additionally, we ask, don’t let yourself be dissuaded by the heinous lies and rumors circulating around. Yes, we know that Union Pacific and Amtrak have been trying to spread the idea that we are funded by magic. It’s embarrassing that we have to state this but, Mr. President, we are NOT funded by magic. We pay our elves dollars and cents, just like every other professional railroad company.

If you don’t believe there’s a dire need for this infrastructure overhaul, we invite you to take a walk down one of our train cars and look at the faces of the children. The Polar Express, in its current state, is making them miserable. They look dead behind the eyes! Please, invest in infrastructure. Do it to inject some life into their horrible little ghoul faces.

This is our plea. If Infrastructure Week doesn’t happen this year, we fear The Polar Express will become but a footnote in history, next to other failed enterprises, like Enron and Snap Spectacles. And who knows! If you can make Infrastructure Week finally happen, maybe we can put in a good word with the big man (the resident magical train tramp).

Ho, ho, ho,
The Board of Directors