1. Men should get their wives/girlfriends one of three things for Valentine’s Day: a teddy bear, a star named after them, or an ownership share in a winning racehorse.

2. Jason Giambi “owes” us more.

3. Susan Sarandon is a socialist. John Kerry is a socialist. Bill Clinton is a socialist. Hillary Clinton is a socialist. Howard Dean is a socialist. Also, I’m a socialist. You’re a socialist. Ted Kennedy is crazy, a murderer, and overweight. He is also a socialist.

4. All callers to sports talk radio shows are barely literate Italian kids named Joe.

5. Sometimes they’re named Joey.

6. Everything in Iraq is going just fine.

7. If you or someone you love has been affected by conditions involving asbestos, you should hire the legal team of Levy, Phillips & Konigsberg. They can help you understand your rights and get the compensation you deserve.

8. Trial lawyers who prosecute asbestos cases are all socialists.

9. Larry King drinks Welch’s grape juice at dinner instead of wine, like a normal person would.

10. God is just awesome.

11. Gay people have an “agenda.”

12. The Knicks suck. But I already knew that.