When Elon Musk suggested that he would step down as CEO of Twitter due to widespread dissatisfaction with his leadership within and outside the company, many hoped for a seasoned executive to replace him to steady the ship. Now, due to a series of tweets from Mr. Musk that included a photograph of himself next to a floating orb, an artist rendering of cranes hatching inside the orb, a string of indecipherable glyphs, and the sentence, “You will obey Them,” we know that isn’t the case. Our advice:
If you are like many Twitter users, you are asking yourself several questions. What does the orb want from me? When will the cranes be born, and when they are born, what will they know? How many Orb Units must I acquire to advance in my profession? These are all important questions, but until we know more about what dimension the orb came from, and the true identity of the crane lord, we won’t have answers. So sit tight and try not to catastrophize simply based on the horrifying events of Cranecon 2019.
Get on the cranes’ good side
Certainly, the orb will nourish the cranes during their infancy, but then what? Most orbs have small elliptical openings near their northern pole to facilitate respiration, and young, ravenous cranes could easily hop out of it. There’s no need to get into specifics about what happens when orb-grown cranes, feeling their first pangs of hunger-rage, are let loose on a group of unsuspecting civilians—Cranecon 2019 gave us all the specifics we need—so we’ll just say it’s probably a good idea to tweet your support of the crane lord early to let It know where you stand.
Diversify your online presence
Haven’t posted on your blog since 2014? Haven’t checked your LinkedIn since 2019, when the Great Condor Emperor Thanator Dalzebub became CEO and, hideous with a desire for entertainment, hypnotized a quarter of its users into fighting each other in a giant ring during Condorcon 2019? You aren’t alone. But now would be a good time to dust off your profile and let your followers know you’ll be posting elsewhere sometimes. Pro tip: before logging onto LinkedIn, protect yourself from Dalzebub’s bewitchments by dousing yourself in marigold water and twice reciting The Incantation.
Bedeck your home with armaments
Due to disclosures during Mr. Musk’s purchase, we know Twitter is powered by fourteen giant spider slaves, each of which is required to run as fast as it can on eight different treadmills. If Twitter’s user base disintegrates—and purple smoke coming from the orb’s cave in recent weeks indicates that it already has—at least four of the spider slaves will be freed. If you think you will be safe because you do not live near the Emeryville warehouse in which the spiders partake in their hell dance, you’re wrong. Because of the spiders’ relentless training, they are now able to run eight hundred miles per hour. Your protection will be in your hands. Just remember: traditional weapons simply serve to infuriate the spiders. They respond with fear only to doorway-topped cauldrons full of boiling clam chowder.
Marry a crane and birth at least three halflings, just in case
Based on first-hand accounts from survivors, social media feeds, and security footage from the East Lansing Ramada, we know the cranes spared those Cranecon attendees who were married to cranes and had sired a gaggle of halflings. Is it “absolutely necessary” to wed a crane so that its cranemagic flows through the blood of your progeny? At this point, we aren’t certain. But if you’re anything like us, and the screams of those attempting to flee Cranecon through the Ramada exercise vestibule echo through your mind anytime you see wings in the air, you’ll go beyond what’s “absolutely necessary.”
That Mr. Musk has demonstrated that his success is the result of overworking, underpaying, and disrespecting his employees, and that his principal innovation appears to be cruelty.
Enjoy your last moments
Why did you spend so much of your life in a state of anger, resentment, envy, or dull boredom? Look around; all is beautiful and bright! So much love! Too much for one person to fathom! The good moments were so sweet, sweeter than you realized at the time, but now you realize it. What wonders abound! Oh! Oh! Oh! These are just a few of the thoughts you will not have time to encounter when the hatched cranes blot out the sun and you, confused, leave the safety of your chowder-topped doorway to see what is amiss.