1. Hi Jarrod! Did you forget to attach the file?
2. Oops! Where’s the attachment?
3. Forgetting something? ;)
4. Hi again, Jarrod. Can you please resend the email with the attachment? It’s urgent.
5. I’m sorry I never finished my report, but you forgot to send the attachment.
6. Seriously, Jarrod? How many times have I told you to DOUBLE CHECK that you’ve attached the god damn file?
7. You’ve been working here six months. If you didn’t know how then you should have asked. Find the button that looks like a paper clip, click it, and attach the file from your desktop.
8. No, not your literal desk top! Do they have computers where you come from in Minnesota? Or were you too busy collecting hockey medals like some kind of Soviet General Wayne Gretzky? Sheesh!
9. There is a lake, not far from here, where I like to take my dog jogging. We pass by the junipers and birches and let our feet fall into an ancient rhythm. My heart thumps hard in my chest, and slowly the adrenaline washes over me like a WHOOSH in my ears. The dog runs because it is a dog, but I run to ease my failures. To forget that I spend my life wallowing away at a job that I hate, only to return home to a woman who scorns me. When the air temperature drops and we have our first real freeze, I like to venture out onto the icy blue rim, praying for the ice to give way and release me back into the dark well out of which I crawled. Now, Jarrod, I invite you to join me in this jog of death. And should the Fates choose you, the frigid water filling your lungs like plastic shopping bags, I will be there, watching. They’ll never find your body—I’ll make sure of it. And when winter melts into spring, and spring slips into summer, I’ll still be there, jogging around and around, as people picnic on the grass fertilized by your hoary corpse.
10. I have been asked by HR to send out a formal apology to all those who I may have offended over the last few weeks. I’m sure many of you already know by now, but Sharon and I are officially separating. I admit I have been rather short with people—and perhaps over-critical of peccadilloes in the workplace. Please find it attached.