I’m DONNY CONNELLY and this weekend at CONNELLY CAR BAZAAR is gonna be EX-PLOSIVE!1

We’ve got an UNBEATABLE SELECTION of CARS and SUVs! We’ve got TRUCKS! You want vans? WE’VE! GOT! VANS!2


Come on down! Just be sure to take a PUFF OF AN ALLERGY SPRAY in case you’re ALLERGIC TO DEALS!4

You’ll be SEEING GREEN! And not like how people with green eyes see everything with a GREEN TINT. I’m talking about MONEY!5



I’m DONNY CONNELLY and this weekend at CONNELLY CAR BAZAAR is gonna be EX-PLOSIVE!1

- - -

1 Please kill me.

2 If I stop yelling, will I stop existing? Surely there’s more to this life — more to me! — than being a screaming manifestation of catastrophic oil consumption and greed?

3 As we teeter on the edge of irreversible climate disaster, I wonder if I’m to blame for the coming apocalypse. No… I can still look in the mirror!

4 Oh, I’m alone! Sure, the “#1 Sales, Tri-State Area, Lower-North Region, East Zone” plaques are nice. But wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to share them with?8

5 Earlier, when I said I could still look in the mirror, I was lying.

6 Why is it so hard to be a human being? I pushed everyone and everything aside — becoming a shouting cartoon in the process! A human pachyderm leading an absurdist extinction carnival! — and for what?9

7 I have nothing.

8 And, no, buying myself a dog every year for my birthday doesn’t count as companionship. I own 25 dogs and they don’t care about me at all. They’re fine on their own. Just one big pack, roaming around my giant mansion, while I sleep in an RV in the circular driveway. I slip in the house once a week to throw frozen meat inside so the dogs don’t start hunting in the neighborhood. But do I think the dogs will protect me when the Final Judgment comes for ruining the environment? Not for one second.

9 I wanted to play Othello on Broadway!10

10 Or at the very least, read a Wikipedia summary of Othello one day!