When there’s a long wait for a table.

When there’s a long wait for a table and you made a reservation and had called to confirm it.

When you are not happy with your table and they can’t move you.

When your seat is right next to the bathroom or the kitchen. Or both.

When your table is wobbly.

When there’s no silverware on your table.

When they didn’t give you a menu right away.

When they don’t have what’s on the menu.

When they’re out of the entrée you usually order.

Not ever.

When other tables get their order before you, even though you ordered before they did.

When you want the food to arrive quickly because you have to catch a show or a flight.

When you want to pretend to be like Jack Nicholson Five Easy Pieces.

When your phone’s dying and they don’t have an iPhone charger.

When you don’t know anyone who works in the hospitality industry.

When you know someone who works in the hospitality industry.

Absolutely never.

When the food is cold.

When the food doesn’t look pretty.

When they give you water with ice and you asked for no ice.

When they gave you curly fries with parmesan instead of straight fries with parmesan.

When you drop your fork and ask for another one and they don’t get it right away.

Again: never.

When the check is late.

When the check is early.

When they forget to split the check and you asked them like four times.

When the check includes the tip because how dare they get to decide how much you should tip them?

When they don’t accept American Express or Discover.

When they don’t accept bitcoin.

When your dinner companion gets fed up with your entitled behavior and storms out of the restaurant.

Never ever ever ever ever.