1. You prefer to go through life:
a) buffeted by the trade winds.
b) serenaded by saxophone.
c) in imperial style, in a chauffeur-driven Rolls Royce or Mercedes.
e) in a Kohler claw-footed tub.
2. Your earliest childhood memory:
a) includes an English pub.
b) is reminiscent of a picture postcard.
c) is accessible via a VIP airport transfer.
d) is private and hidden away, accessible only by you and your personal butler.
e) opens to a cantilevered private plunge pool with an infinity edge.
3. You have a recurring dream:
a) of swimming under the sea.
b) of flying.
c) of elegant dress shorts.
d) of walking a deserted alabaster beach, beside crystalline waters deep as time itself. Red curtains billow and you step wordlessly into the limbo of a tented void, losing the “I” and “me” of a distant, harried life, and becoming “Bay Roc Villa 14,” mere blood and bone and resort all-access room-charge. A swan shape-shifts into a towel and a faceless entity touches your soul—well your back. What does their face look like, you wonder, as you gaze at their feet through the hollow of the massage table. You hear the voice of Karina Stratton in an adjacent tent. Wait—Karina Stratton? The hell is she doing here?
e) of Turkish ivory patika travertine natural stone with accents of pebbles and porcelain planks from Italy.
4. Your best feature is:
a) your European heritage.
b) your on-premise village festivals.
c) your offshore bank accounts.
d) oh, this is going to be like Pure Barre all over again. You knew you shouldn’t have mentioned where you had booked. Crumbs, she’s going to want to golf.
e) your over-sized balcony.
5. Your deepest desire is:
a) to sail away.
b) to be cradled on both sides by the Caribbean Sea.
c) to be treated as royalty.
d) to throw your mai tai in Karina’s face, for inviting herself and her endodontist on your honeymoon.
e) a frosted glass water closet.
6. When you die, you:
a) want a ceremonial bonfire.
b) want to lay on all-mahogany slats without lifting a muscle.
c) want to swim with the exotic aquamarine species native to the Caribbean.
d) will not let this go.
e) want an authentic experience.
7. Your greatest regret is:
a) Silvio Berlusconi.
b) the fire dancers.
c) getting the jellies.
d) the Boonoonos beach party. Even though Karina is clearly in the wrong, it was impolite to have the grande pianist play an instrumental calypso of Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You” and charge the ten rum runners you imbibed to her suite—at these prices, they were probably worth a crown or two to Dr. David. You also shouldn’t have rescheduled the round of golf with her and her boyfriend at the last minute to a catamaran ride, when you knew she was terrified of wind sports.
e) two Carrera marble vanities with backlit mirrors.
8. Your favorite leisure activity is:
a) savoring a sizzling steak.
b) chasing waterfalls.
e) political autonomy.
Tally up your answers!
You are the Sandals Grande Antigua. Sophisticated and faire, you are a romantic at heart, and prefer to go through life surrounded by the thin facade of postcolonial luxury you have constructed for yourself. You have an eye for detail, and that detail is sizzling steak. You are an expert at cognitive dissonance, and are happiest in a faux Mediterranean Village in the heart of a Caribbean archipelago.
You are the Sandals Grande St. Lucian. A feisty extrovert, you can be volcanic, but are easily subdued by a tasty sundowner and piano serenade. You’re intellectual and have an armful of Nobel Prizes. Did we say Nobel Prizes? We meant Swedish wall sconces. We forget the brand. You are interested in other cultures, provided they are imported direct to your faux-colonial abode as condensed showcases, and stripped of their context. You like to dance on Mondays.
You are the Sandals Royal Bahamanian. You are seductive, top-tier, and accustomed to compliments. Sometimes you wonder if you’re too good-looking. You are a doer, the activities captain, and energetic to a grating fault. You know that no matter how messy life gets, you can always salvage something from a wreck. You have an active and tan imagination.
You are the Sandals Mantego Bay. A true original, you are lively and hot-tempered. Everyone knows your name, including that uppity tart from your department, and everyone will sure as shit know your favorite drink by the time you make it off this island. You have nerves of steel drums and enjoy the ocean breeze on your bitchy resting face.
You are Sandals Le Source Grenada. You are known for your double doors and USB ports. You boast. You are a polyglot with a diverse history, butler pantry and wet bar. Happiest when backlit, you are unquestionably beautiful and cantilevered.