Who’s a good dog with a gun? Who is? Is it me? It is? It is! I’m a very good dog with a gun, yes I am! And I’m very, very sorry about shooting my owner in the leg. Oh boy, I am so sorry. But did I act strictly in self defense? Did I? Yes I did!

Because who feared for his life? Who did? I did! And if you’d ever been in the car with my owner when he drives home from Grady’s Tavern on a Friday night, you’d understand my fear. Was I scared? Oooh, was I a scared boy? Yes I was! I was such a scared boy! But did I roll over and play dead? No! I’m a good dog with a gun, and a good dog with a gun is the only thing that can stop a bad dog with a gun, or a drunk driver, or a tyrannical government, or a vacuum cleaner.

Who exercised his legal right to stand his ground? Me! Yes I did! Because I am good! I stood my ground, which in this case is the upholstered center console in the front seat, where the cup holders are. I always stand there, so I can keep a lookout for tyrants, and squirrels.

And who regrets this unfortunate incident more than me? Nobody! I never intended to harm my owner. But who put the loaded pistol in the cup holder? Who escalated the situation by trying to take the gun away from me by force, leaving me no choice but to shoot? That’s right, my owner did! Fortunately for him, I’m a good dog, but a bad shot. The surgeon says he’ll be fine.

So who is confident in my eventual exoneration? Me! Oh I am so confident! I’m absolutely certain I’ll be exonerated; as confident as I am that someday I will destroy every squirrel in this great nation of ours. And every vacuum cleaner. And the mailman, who lately has been engaging in what can only be described as deliberately provocative behavior. Tyrannical, even.

And besides, who is legally entitled to handle a firearm in the state of Louisiana, even without a permit? Who can do that? Can I do that? I can! That’s right! I may have flunked basic obedience training, but Louisiana knows what a good dog I am. I AM SO LAW-ABIDING I JUST CAN’T SIT STILL.

Who feels truly blessed by all the support he’s received? Who is humbled by the generous donations people have made to his Kickstarter legal fund? Me, that’s who, the good dog with a gun! The best dog with a gun! The dog who is giving the mailman until sundown to get the hell out of town.

Tell me again: Who’s a good dog with a gun? It’s me, right? Of course it is.

Just keep saying that, and no one gets hurt.