The worst has happened. Donald Trump is a convicted felon, and it’s all because he [FALSIFIED BUSINESS RECORDS / HID THE TRUTH FROM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE / HAD A HORRIBLE SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH STORMY DANIELS WHILE HIS WIFE MELANIA WAS PREGNANT WITH THE BABY THEY EVENTUALLY NAMED AFTER TRUMP’S FICTIONAL SPOKESPERSON, JOHN BARRON].
I’m outraged that the Deep State is so powerful that they somehow were able to [STAIN TRUMP’S PREVIOUSLY IMPECCABLE RECORD / IMPOSE THEIR WILL ON A JURY OF TWELVE CITIZENS WHO TRUMP’S LEGAL TEAM HELPED SELECT / FORCE TRUMP TO WRITE CHECKS TO MICHAEL COHEN REIMBURSING HIM FOR THE HUSH MONEY HE PAID OUT IN 2017 / MAKE EVERYONE FORGET ALL ABOUT (HUNTER BIDEN / HILLARY’S EMAILS / OBAMA’S BEIGE SUIT)].
I feel like Trump is the true victim of this trial, just as he is in [THE FEDERAL 2020 ELECTION INTERFERENCE CASE / THE NEW YORK CIVIL FRAUD TRIAL / THE GEORGIA ELECTION INTERFERENCE CASE / THE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS CASE / HIS ONGOING FEUD WITH JIMMY KIMMEL]. And as a champion of the little guy, I have no choice but to support the man who [WAS HANDED AT LEAST $413 MILLION FROM HIS DAD / HAS A NET WORTH VALUED OVER $7 BILLION / LITERALLY LIVED IN A PENTHOUSE MADE OF GOLD].
Look, I see myself as an average swing voter. I consider every side of the story before deciding. And now that Trump is guilty of thirty-four felonies, I have to believe that he will be a better president than Joe Biden, who has never even [ASKED VOTERS TO CHIP IN TO PAY FOR HIS LAWYERS / SOLD A PRIVATE JET TO A DONOR TO PAY HIS COURT FINES / HAWKED “GOD BLESS THE USA” BIBLES FOR $59.99 A POP TO COVER HIS $355M PENALTY FOR LYING ABOUT HIS WEALTH / LIED ABOUT A SLEEPING WITH A PORN STAR AND THEN FALSIFIED LEGAL DOCUMENTS TO COVER IT UP AHEAD OF A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION].
Was it even possible for Donald Trump to have a fair trial in NYC? Don’t forget, this is the place where [HE ACTUALLY LIVED HIS ENTIRE LIFE / PEOPLE KNOW HIM BEST / HE WAS ONCE REFERRED TO AS “ONE OF THE LEAST LIKABLE PEOPLE I HAVE MET” BY ED KOCH]. New York is a blue state so the fix was in for sure — it would have been much better if the case had been tried in a place like [WYOMING / THE TRUMP NATIONAL GOLF CLUB AT BEDMINSTER / MOSCOW].
I was actually never a big fan of Donald Trump, even though I voted for him in 2016 because Hillary was [UNTRUSTWORTHY / OLD / SHRILL / OVER-PREPARED / ODDLY PANTSUITED]. And though I voted for him again in 2020, I didn’t even storm the Capitol — that’s how moderate I am. But these felony convictions have put me over the edge. They make me believe that Joe Biden orchestrated this whole trial, even though Biden wasn’t technically [ON THE JURY / CONNECTED TO THE TRIAL IN ANY WAY / RESPONSIBLE FOR TRUMP’S ACTIONS AND CRIMES]. Still, it seems clear that Trump is now the American [MANDELA / HAVEL / GANDHI / O. J.].
I realize that Trump comes with some baggage, but in the end, you have to take everything into consideration and look at the whole [PICTURE / POLITICAL CLIMATE / AVERAGE CONVICTION RATE]. The next president might very well nominate more Supreme Court justices, which means we have a real opportunity to enshrine Citizens United into law, thus ensuring that money can buy elections indefinitely. Meanwhile we could potentially [BAN ABORTION IN ALL FIFTY STATES / GUARANTEE IMMUNITY FOR DONALD TRUMP AND HIS ENTIRE FAMILY EXCEPT FOR ERIC / END AMERICAN DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT / CHANGE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM TO “CADILLAC PUSSY” BY KID ROCK].
I hope Alvin Bragg is happy now. I really was open to voting Democrat in 2024, but now I’m fully committed to Donald Trump, a great man who is a [TERRIBLE BUSINESSMAN / FISCAL NIGHTMARE / GOLF CHEAT / TWICE-IMPEACHED PRESIDENT / RAPIST / HUCKSTER EXTRAORDINAIRE / HORRIBLE PERSON / THE FIRST US PRESIDENT TO EVER BECOME A CONVICTED FELON].