Look, destroying that planet was bad, and don’t get me wrong, as a Commander on this Star Destroyer I really understand where you’re coming from, but I don’t think attacking the Death Star is the solution. I get that this is the 34th planet that’s been lost this year, but the Empire has asked that people stick to peaceful protest, and I think it’s only fair you listen to them.

Just on that point, that protest last week, where you silently took a pose? Yeah, that’s not allowed. And the one where you marched with your own signs? No, not that either. You’re really going to have to think outside of the box if you want to come up with something the Empire is going to be comfortable with, so everybody get your thinking caps on. Just not the ones with slogans as that’s also not allowed.

The fact is, the Death Star has already said they don’t have any footage of the incident, so you just have to take their word that the peaceful forest planet of tiny owls was resisting. The planet before that? And the one before that? Look, I’m not saying it’s not strange that a space station at the forefront of technology routinely has issues with something as simple as CCTV. Still, I’m sure there’s a perfectly innocent reason for all of this, and I, for one, have confidence that allowing the Empire to investigate themselves is the best way to get to the bottom of this.

As the Emperor himself said, nobody has done more for the rebel alliance than he has, and yes, obviously he’s directly responsible for the deaths of many of your friends and family, and yes he does use all of his media appearances to stoke anti-rebellion sentiment, and yes, everything he says and does suggests he’s an Empire-supremacist who seeks to crush the rebel alliance out of existence, but… I forget my point, but I think he’s ultimately a good guy.

Let’s not forget that there’s an election coming up! If you want to change the Death Star, those of you who the Empire hasn’t yet purged from the electoral roll can use your vote then. I’m looking at you five! Oh, four of you were taken off as well? Okay, well, you still have one vote, and in a few weeks time you can use it at the only polling station in the galaxy. It’s on the Death Star, as that just seemed most convenient for everybody, and you’ll need to attend in person, of course, since mail-in voting is still only available to those of us already on the Death Star. If you have any issues finding it, just look for the green beam of energy blasting another planet.