TODDLER: Green pants. Want green pants.
YOU: Sure, let’s get your green pants.
TODDLER: Greeeeeeeeeeeeen! Greeeeeeeeeeeeen!
YOU (taking green pants out of drawer): Green it is!
TODDLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! BLUE! WANT BLUE BLUE BLUE!
YOU: Oh. You want the blue pants? I could have sworn you repeatedly said green.
TODDLER (dipping hamburger in milk): Milk burger! Yummy!
TODDLER, (dipping French fries in milk): Milk fries! Yummy!
TODDLER (dipping corn in milk): Milk corn! Yummy!
YOU (tentatively dipping your hamburger in milk and taking a bite): Well, now that you mention it, the flavor profile does seem rather innovative.
YOU: Did you just poop on the carpet?
YOU: But… it looks like you did poop on the carpet because there’s poop right there on the carpet.
TODDLER: I did not poop on the carpet!
YOU: But. I mean. Maybe you didn’t. Shit. Did I just poop on the carpet? Don’t tell anybody, OK?
TODDLER (at 3:47 am): Old MacDonald!
YOU: But it’s the middle of the night, right?
YOU: Is 3:47 the time we wake up? God, I’m so lazy.
YOU: I guess breakfast makes sense when you put it like that. How about some milk eggs?
YOU: Time for your nap.
TODDLER: I don’t want to naaaaaaap!
YOU: Naps help you grow big and strong!
TODDLER: [unintelligible whine]
YOU: But studies have shown—
TODDLER: [louder unintelligible whine]
YOU: Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think it’s just the liberal media saying this.
TODDLER: [unintelligible scream]
YOU: No, of course. I apologize if you thought I was calling you a liar.
YOU: One minute, I just have to—
YOU: I’m almost done with this email to—
YOU: Fine, but first let me—
YOU: Hold on two—
YOU (handing over your phone): You know, you’re right. My email isn’t really that important. It was silly of me to cut into your time on the emoji keyboard.
YOU: Bath time!
TODDLER: Grandma wishes she never had you.