Dear Republican Members-Elect of the House of Representatives,
Thanks so much for this extension on all the reports I was supposed to prepare for members of the House to start reviewing this week as part of their new committee assignments. I really appreciate it.
I was getting super stressed juggling everything—trying to figure out when or if I’ll ever have to pay back my student loans, waiting on hold with Southwest Airlines, traveling over state lines to get safe prenatal care, and helping my neighbors escape from cars stranded in the snow. Modern life is a lot, you know? Adulting. It’s a lot. And then, on top of everything, I got the triple whammy—COVID, RSV, and the flu. By the way, if you saw me in the building today, you might want to wear a mask for a while, unless your constituents would think that makes you one of the sheeple. No judgment.
I was starting to think, Dang, someone really needs to do something about all this stuff. I mean, I’m not the only one who got COVID, right? And I think other people have student loans. And snow. And unusable airplane tickets. And doctor’s appointments. It’s like we need some kind of… I don’t know, collective action? Working group? Leadership initiative? I’m just spitballing here. Some sort of way for people to work together centrally to fix problems affecting many of us at a societal level. Has anyone invented that yet? Maybe I should talk to some of the venture capital guys I see at the bar about spinning something up? Or we could do a GoFundMe?
But then, when you deadlocked over electing a speaker of the House, causing all other legislative business to grind to a halt, I was like, PHEW, now I don’t have to get those reports done for the House committees, and I can focus on getting better and taking care of my own problems for a while. I know, I know, this is just being a grownup. Gotta do it yourself, right? Bootstrapping and all that.
If I were to give you just a bit of feedback, it would be that the uncertainty factor is still kind of stressful. I mean, when does this extension end? Could be tomorrow, could be in two months, right? I could use a hint. If it’s going to last longer than your most recent argument over the debt ceiling, please have George Santos blink twice slowly. He’s trying so hard to be useful anyway.
Anyway, when it looks like you’re getting closer to picking someone (anyone!), give me a nudge, and I’ll switch from reading about the tragedy and horror in Ukraine (by the way, are we really planning on not helping out with that?) back to writing the reports you’ll want to see next week. What is it you asked for again? How many elementary schools have libraries or something? I was surprised to be asked to highlight the ones that do in red, not the ones that don’t—was that a typo?
Your grateful intern