McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month and get access to author interviews, content calls, discounts at our store, and more. Help support our writers and keep our site ad-free.
Articles by
Gary M. Almeter
Gary M. Almeter is an attorney who lives in a quaint and cozy neighborhood in Baltimore, MD with his wife, three children and beagle. His short stories, essays and humor pieces have appeared in McSweeney’s, Writer’s Bone, the Good Men Project, 1966, and Splitsider. He is the recipient of the Maryland Writer’s Association’s 2015 Creative Nonfiction Award."
-
February 9, 2017I’m an Anthropomorphic Lady Jar of Mayonnaise and I’m Ready to Play Steve Bannon on Saturday Night Live
-
January 11, 2017I am Now the DJ at Trump’s Inaugural Ball and I Just Got a Memo That These Urine-Themed Songs are Now Verboten
-
November 7, 2016I’m the DJ for Hillary Clinton’s Election Night Victory Party and Here is My Awesome, HRC-Approved Playlist
-
September 16, 2016Vogue Asked Kendall Jenner 73 Questions and Yet We Still Know Nothing About Her Thoughts on Gerrymandering. Here Are Seven Additional Questions We Demand She Answer. Now
-
October 5, 2015A Guide to All the Jesuses
-
August 21, 2015The Price Is Right Game or Slayer Song?
-
June 8, 2015Winning Quilt Block Patterns at the 2015 Ballz-Out Quilter’s Society’s Annual Symposium
-
May 22, 2015Batting Heckles Uttered by the Dad On My Son’s Little League Team Who is a Meteorology Professor and Whose Research Interests Include Cloud-Based Analytics for Spatio-Temporal Data With a Primary Focus On Climate, Hydrological and Ecological Sciences
-
April 10, 2015Subtle Things 2016 GOP Presidential Candidates Can And Should Do Right Now to More Thoroughly and Most Convincingly Evoke the Reagan Years
-
February 26, 2015Lacrosse Term, Obscure Sex Act That Frat Guys Always Claim to Do, Sweet Corn Variety, or Automotive Term With an Arbitrary Proper Noun In Front of It?
-
December 11, 2014Other Things, In Addition to Love, Air Supply’s Muse Can Make Out of Basically Nothing at All
-
October 23, 2014Vanity Plates the Unidentified Subject of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” Should Consider Getting For His Next Car
Trending 🔥
Recently
-
April 30, 2025Our University Is Replacing DEI with Vibes and Vaguely Diverse Stock Photos
-
April 30, 2025This Bank Robbery Is a Safe Space
-
April 29, 2025Don’t Worry, We Were Prepared for Our Policies to Be Extremely Unpopular, Because They Are Very, Very Bad
-
April 29, 2025We’re the Pro-Family Party; We’re Also Deporting Families