McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
Articles by
Gary M. Almeter
Gary M. Almeter is an attorney who lives in a quaint and cozy neighborhood in Baltimore, MD with his wife, three children and beagle. His short stories, essays and humor pieces have appeared in McSweeney’s, Writer’s Bone, the Good Men Project, 1966, and Splitsider. He is the recipient of the Maryland Writer’s Association’s 2015 Creative Nonfiction Award."
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February 9, 2017Monologue: I’m an Anthropomorphic Lady Jar of Mayonnaise and I’m Ready to Play Steve Bannon on Saturday Night Live
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January 11, 2017List: I am Now the DJ at Trump’s Inaugural Ball and I Just Got a Memo That These Urine-Themed Songs are Now Verboten
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November 7, 2016List: I’m the DJ for Hillary Clinton’s Election Night Victory Party and Here is My Awesome, HRC-Approved Playlist
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September 16, 2016List: Vogue Asked Kendall Jenner 73 Questions and Yet We Still Know Nothing About Her Thoughts on Gerrymandering. Here Are Seven Additional Questions We Demand She Answer. Now
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October 5, 2015A Guide to All the Jesuses
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August 21, 2015List: The Price Is Right Game or Slayer Song?
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June 8, 2015List: Winning Quilt Block Patterns at the 2015 Ballz-Out Quilter’s Society’s Annual Symposium
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May 22, 2015List: Batting Heckles Uttered by the Dad On My Son’s Little League Team Who is a Meteorology Professor and Whose Research Interests Include Cloud-Based Analytics for Spatio-Temporal Data With a Primary Focus On Climate, Hydrological and Ecological Sciences
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April 10, 2015List: Subtle Things 2016 GOP Presidential Candidates Can And Should Do Right Now to More Thoroughly and Most Convincingly Evoke the Reagan Years
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February 26, 2015List: Lacrosse Term, Obscure Sex Act That Frat Guys Always Claim to Do, Sweet Corn Variety, or Automotive Term With an Arbitrary Proper Noun In Front of It?
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December 11, 2014List: Other Things, In Addition to Love, Air Supply’s Muse Can Make Out of Basically Nothing at All
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October 23, 2014List: Vanity Plates the Unidentified Subject of Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” Should Consider Getting For His Next Car
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October 20, 2009It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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October 10, 2018My Common App Essay: “Every School Reading This Except Dartmouth Sucks Ass”
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October 8, 2018Matreon: The Patreon Platform for Emotional Labor
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October 12, 2018I Am Sick and Tired of Constantly Being Bullied for My Extreme Wealth and Political Power