Number of degree-granting post-secondary institutions in the United States: 4,726
Number of times commencement speakers at those institutions will say the word “milestone”: 6,442
Number of times commencement speakers at those institutions will say the word “horizon” or some variation thereof: 5,076
Number of times commencement speakers at those institutions will admonish graduates to not have a “fear of failure”: 2,247
Ratio of intensity of the average graduate’s fear of failure with intensity of the average graduate’s fear of throwing up from the combination of heat and being absurdly hung over at the commencement: 1:15
Ratio of intensity of the average graduate’s fear of failure with the average graduate’s fear of not getting a job: 1:20
Ratio of intensity of the average graduate’s fear of failure with the average graduate’s fear of getting a job but it’s a job wherein they have to wear a uniform and a name tag and possibly a headset: 1:22
Percentage of graduates who wish Beyoncé was giving their commencement address: 82%
Number of times commencement speakers at those degree-granting post-secondary institutions will encourage graduates to help others: 4,277
Estimated number of times those graduates will actually help others: 50
Number of times I have tried to help others since graduating from college: probably like 28 or 29
Number of others I have actually helped: 3
Number of others who I tried to help but whose lives I actually made worse by my ineptitude: 8
Number of others who I tried to help but whose lives I actually made worse by an overarching feeling of apathy: 6
Number of others who I tried to help but whose lives I actually made worse because I am just a shitty person: 11
Number of times commencement speakers at all degree-granting post-secondary institutions will mention tuition / parents being poor / student loans: 3,876
Number of parents who will find this amusing: 4
Number that is your mom’s favorite: 69
Number of times commencement speakers at degree-granting post-secondary institutions will mention current unemployment rates: 2,987
Number of times commencement speakers at degree-granting post-secondary institutions will tell themselves not to mention the current political climate and then mention the current political climate: 1,452
Number of degree-granting post-secondary institutions who asked Oprah Winfrey to be their commencement speaker: 3,897
Years in which Hillary Clinton has given the Commencement address at Wellesley College: 1969, 1992, and 2017
Anticipated number of times Hillary Clinton will say “horse shit” during her commencement address at Wellesley College on May 26, 2017: 2,887
Percentage of times Hillary Clinton will say “horseshit” to refer to actual equine feces and not to long held moral, universal and/or metaphysical truths which were eviscerated by the events of November 8: 0%
Anticipated number of times Hillary Clinton will say “On second thought, fuck that” during her commencement address at Wellesley College on May 26: 452
Likelihood that if confirmed, a Wellesley College graduate will make a great secretary… of STATE: 100%
Number of Broadway shows Hillary Clinton has attended wherein she has received multiple standing ovations: 5
Number of standing ovations Hillary Clinton received at Barbra Streisand’s Brooklyn concert: 3
Number of times Barbra Streisand has received flowers from Neil Diamond since they drifted apart back in 1978: 0
According to Barbra, people who are luckier than people who need people: 0
Percent chance that if ever asked to give a commencement address, I will quote Elle Woods’ commencement speech from Legally Blonde when she says, “You must always have faith in people and most importantly you must always have faith in yourself”: 100%
Estimated number of complete sentences employing proper subject verb agreement Donald J. Trump will utter when he delivers the commencement address at Liberty University on May 13: 2
Number of majors at Liberty University offered through the Youth Ministries Department: 12
Number of majors at Harvard University offered through the Youth Ministries Department: 0
Number of majors at Yale University offered through the Youth Ministries Department: 0
Percent by which Liberty University’s Youth Ministry graduates exceed Harvard’s and Yale’s in youth ministry ministry-ness: 200%
Number of years ago President John F. Kennedy gave a commencement address at Yale University: 55
Average length, in inches, by which Donald J. Trump extends his ties to conceal his teeny weeny peeny: 10
Length, in inches, of scotch tape JFK used to secure the back of his necktie to the front of his necktie during his entire 1000+ days in office: 0
Times JFK was ever not flawless: 0
Ratio of gallons of bronzer cream used by Trump since his inauguration with gallons of New England clam chowder served at JFK’s inauguration: 1:1
People I know who would give a fuck if Trump drowned in a giant vat of New England clam chowder: 7
Percentage of giants who, if eating a bowl of New England clam chowder containing the Trump carcass would think the carcass was just a greasy furry carrot in a tacky suit: 100%
Ratio of number of hours the average Liberty University graduate has spent reading the Bible to number of hours he or she has spent reading all the other textbooks: 3:1
Number of days between Liberty University’s announcement that Donald Trump would deliver commencement address and its announcement that in lieu of traditional robes, graduates would be wearing faux silk off the shoulder sheath dresses from Ivanka Trump’s clothing line: 1.5
Average age of the Malaysian child who made the Ivanka Trump collection Liberty University graduation faux silk off the shoulder sheath dresses: 9
Number of times Donald J. Trump will utter the words “electoral college” during his commencement address at Liberty University: Infinity times
Number of degrees awarded at Trump University this year: 0
Number of times commencement speakers at degree-granting post-secondary institutions will talk about graduates not remembering what they say: 2,432
Percentage of graduates who will remember anything the commencement speakers say: 0%
Number of commencement speeches Oprah Winfrey is giving this year: 2
Number of commencement speeches Oprah Winfrey could actually give if she believed in herself a little bit more: 8
Number of Oprah Winfreys we would have to clone so that Oprah Winfrey could give the commencement address at every single degree grating post-secondary institution in the U.S., assuming the average Oprah could deliver eight commencement addresses per year: 590.75
Number of votes by which Hillary Clinton beat Donald Trump: 2,864,974