1. Ring in the holidays with a festive fair isle sweater. With this soft wool blend, you’ll want to cozy up by the fireplace in nostalgic comfort as you scan the faces of the room and wonder, Is everyone else terrified? Why isn’t anyone screaming right now?

2. For smart wintry style, try our tapered woolen trouser. Professional enough for the office, they magically transform to fancy for uncomfortable evenings out, where you exchange pleasantries by explaining to strangers what you’ve done with your life up to this point, without getting too specific about that bad time with that person you no longer speak to where third parties got involved.

3. Give into luxury and wrap yourself in our cashmere pashmina, the sensuous whisper of its nap comforting you in the cold shadow of truth that sets in every time you run out of the special pills they gave you when you got that wisdom tooth pulled. It’s probably time to schedule a root canal if you’re going to make it to New Year’s Eve.

4. This canvas belted trench coat is a cool weather classic that is structured, yet graceful, unlike the tornado of self doubt perpetuated by your parents’ unstable marriage.

5. These lightweight slub-knit tunics are trimmed in hints of lace and subtle femininity to soften the hard edges you’ve been forced to acquire to survive, making true intimacy almost impossible for you.

6. Our lustrous patterned silk ties come in a rich palette of festive hues, to remind those you encounter of a time when color and hope were abundant, before this existential winter set in permanently.

7. Lace party shifts lined in hammered satin are the perfect way to ring in the new year, which will be another year in the red if you don’t unload that palette of expired car batteries you bought at the backyard auction your uncle took you to. Come to think of it, you haven’t heard from your uncle since he took off before paying his share of the bill at that Indian buffet last June. Everyone always said you take after him.

8. Make a holiday spectacle in metallic ombré tights this season while enjoying an unsatisfying romantic encounter on Judith’s desk during the staff holiday party. Judith always was so smug. Who’s got plans for the weekend now, Judith?

9. Merino blend ribbed turtlenecks layer perfectly under the facade of normalcy you exude, never revealing that inside you are a pile of tangled Christmas lights with one broken bulb that has rendered you completely useless for all of eternity.