My fellow Americans, as I have crisscrossed this country, one thing has become clear. When it comes to religion, we are a nation of true believers. But there are so many faiths, and as a candidate, picking the wrong one might be the difference between you trusting me with your vote, and choosing one of my opponents. And that is why I stand before you today as the only candidate with the conviction to say what is in my heart, what is deep in the core of my being: that it is YOUR faith that informs everything I say or do.
I know what you are thinking. I have that wrong. It should be MY faith informs everything I say or do. But I did not misspeak. Rather than do the arrogant thing as my opponents do and tell you my beliefs, I will wait for you to tell me what you believe, then magically believe it as well. For it is through that sacred bond in which you talk directly to God, God talks back to you, you talk to me, and I say what it is you want to hear, that one can truly understand how deep my faith in your faith goes.
Before I dare misquote the Bible, most likely scripture I don’t know from Adam (guy from the Bible?), or flub an illuminating Talmudic passage (points for calling it illuminating?), or make up a verse from the Book of Mormon (was it a musical or book first?), let’s not force it. As long as you are right with your creator and registered with the county board of elections, I will kneel and pray with you for as long as we are both together in this multi-purpose auditorium.
To most of you, we are all sinners. For others, it’s prayer five times a day. To some, an elephant-headed person is a God, and I can get down with that. It’s weird, don’t get me wrong. But it is my abiding faith in your faith that has guided me through these grueling campaign months. It has been my rock when poll numbers showed I needed to broaden my appeal. It saved me when I needed an endorsement from that extremist religious figure. It shined a light on me when you asked ‘when was the last time I went to church,’ and I had security remove you from the rally.
Personally, I don’t see how a candidate can separate their politics from their faith. It’s as if you’re pretending to be something you’re not, rather than being something you pretend you are. The former simply seems more wrong, no? Seriously, I’m asking, because whatever you say is what I’ll go with. If it’s the other way, then consider me an Evangelical. If you don’t like that, that new Pope seems cool, I’ll be Catholic. How fun would it be to hang with that Pope? Again, I’m asking, because honestly it doesn’t have to be him. Rabbis are fine too. Imams, I’ll manage.
While some may call me opportunistic, to them I say isn’t there a proverb somewhere about minding your own business? There should be. Google it. Look, I don’t come to your church and smack the communion wine out of your mouth. It tastes good, right? So shut up! Because people of no conscience like myself will not cower — we will defend ourselves against those who show intolerance towards the way too tolerant. And not the lame stream media, not the Washington establishment, not one corporate lobbyist will change our hearts unless you demand we change them first!
If you believe in values, virtue, and a slim electoral majority, I’m asking for your vote. And when I take the oath of office as your President, you can rest assured the book I’m swearing upon means as much to me as it does to you. But it could be another book. Any book, really. Even that kooky one about the galactic overlord all the celebrities like. Heck, I’m fine with Odin too. And Zeus, can’t leave him out. Quetzalcoatl?
Was that a whoop in the back for Quetzalcoatl?!