INSTAGRAM LIVE READINGS!
Our Virtual Reading Series continues tonight at 6:00 PM PDT/9:00 PM EDT when we hand over our Instagram Live to McSweeney’s Issue 61 contributor Samuel Rutter, reading his new translations of Hebe Uhart.
Come be alone together with us!
October 31, 2019
A Complete Classification System For the Different Actions That Follow Your Four-Year-Old Yelling “Dad, Watch This!” At You From Across the Room
Puzzling But Harmless:
- The Invisible Pirouette: A sort of half-turn with some kind of imperceptible flourish that for some unknown reason should be considered exceedingly impressive.
- The Failed Simulacrum: Your last action is mimicked as closely as possible, which is usually not all that closely.
Destructive But Not Dangerous:
- The Henry Fonda Switchblade Stab: An unexpected object is stuck sharply and without warning into some other inanimate object.
- The Jenga Finale: Some recently-constructed tower is razed in the loudest conceivable way.
Dangerous to Self:
- The Toonces Finale: Your child rolls or steps off of a medium to high surface onto the floor.
- La Quebrada: Your child attempts a proto-swan dive off the window sill or dining room table.
Dangerous to Others:
- The Madman’s Discus: Something is hurled, discus-like, across the room.
- The Wild Thing Vaughn: Something is hurled, baseball-like, across the room.
Reap the Whirlwind:
- The Bond Villain’s Device: A clear smirk, followed by a minor movement that, clearly intentionally, causes a chain reaction of events winding up in significant damage and destruction.
- The Kobayashi Maru: An action for which there is no successful way to prevent significant physical and/or psychological damage from occurring to all living creatures within 10-30 feet.
As little as $1 a month ($12 a year!) goes a long way towards supporting our editorial staff and contributors while keeping us ad-free. Become a McSweeney’s Internet Tendency patron today.