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Articles by
Michael Ward
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October 31, 2019A Complete Classification System For the Different Actions That Follow Your Four-Year-Old Yelling “Dad, Watch This!” At You From Across the Room
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September 9, 2019Famous Movies Rewritten For Parents of Young Children On Their First Date Night Since Their Youngest Child Entered the Four-Month Sleep Regression
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February 6, 2019Please Listen Carefully, Because Our Menu Options Have Changed and Are Also a Hellish, Kafkaesque Experiment Developed to Test the Effects of Psychological Warfare
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October 18, 2018Fresh Middle-Ground Alternatives Between NIMBY and YIMBY
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August 10, 2018Tips for Watching the Perseid Meteor Shower with Your Toddler, as Written by Someone Who Has Never Seen a Meteor Shower and Who Has Never Interacted with a Toddler for More Than a Few Minutes
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June 14, 2018The Top Ten 2018 Men’s World Cup Teams Ranked By How Easily the First Lines of Each Country’s National Anthem Could Be Slipped Unnoticed Into Expository Voiceover In a Lord Of The Rings Movie
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March 19, 2013A Memo to Investors in 11D Technologies, Inc
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February 3, 2011Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both the Super Bowl and a Superb Owl
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May 9, 2007Your Proposed Design For The New Roosevelt Elementary School
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November 6, 2006The Race For Junior Class Vice President Goes Negative
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January 13, 2006Words and Phrases I Hope Never Appear in Front of My Name in Print
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August 18, 2005The Weekly Column of a Local-Newspaper Ombudsman Attempting to Communicate His Marital Frustrations Through His Work
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October 9, 2009It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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October 9, 2020The 52 Stages of Insomnia
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May 18, 2020I Was In Charge of the Deck Chairs On the Titanic, and They Absolutely Did Need Rearranging
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October 19, 2020
Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1- 940
