1.

There is a room with seven chairs in it.

Eight people are standing in the room.

Some of them are Vampires.

Some of them are Normals.

Vampires always lie.

Normals always tell the truth.

The room has three enormous windows in it, all facing west.

It is six o’clock on an October evening.

Sunset may be seen through the westward windows. It is magnificent.

(By the way, the Vampires have been awake all day. The sun does not kill them. They’re not that kind of Vampires)

The Vampires are very handsome and very beautiful at the same time.

They only tell handsome and beautiful lies.

The Normals are wandering around the room, spreading vicious truths wherever they go.

There are two large bottles of inexpensive wine on the table, one of which is poisoned, one of which is not.

Also, you are ruinously drunk.

Either a Vampire or a Normal touches your shoulder and suggests something that surprises you.

It begins as a statement and ends as a question.

Without feeling for fangs, and lying or telling the truth as you see fit, what three questions and two statements do you pose in order to determine whether you are standing or sitting down?

HINT: The wine is rosé.

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2.

Combine the yolk of one egg with 4 ounces of flat club soda.

Add milk and vodka (warm) to taste.

Rent The Seven Samurai and begin watching it.

Drink the yolk/soda/milk/vodka combination while watching Tape 1 of The Seven Samurai, rubbing bare feet on the carpet.

Upon conclusion of Tape 1, decide to take a shower, then change your mind.

Prepare a box of instant mashed potatoes as directed. Add one whole bottle of tabasco and the juice of one lemon.

While mixing, remember high school until it becomes too painful to continue.

While sucking on one ice cube, watch Tape 2 of The Seven Samurai until conclusion.

Reaffirm your faith that any effort to save a village of peasants from marauding bandits will always end in tragedy.

Sleep for ten hours.

Awaken at sunset and suddenly realize: EVERYONE is standing, including yourself.

Attempt to explain this to your wife.

If you do not have carpeting, substitute a bathmat or an old coat.