Short Imagined Monologues
Send your short imagined monologues to firstname.lastname@example.org.
A Senator Brings The Necronomicon to His Filibuster.
Hey everyone. I’m sorry to seem so flustered. I forgot that the filibuster was today. Ha, filibuster, flustered, filiflustered. I should write that down.
Anyway, first off I just wanted to say that I had been planning to do the whole read from the phone book thing, but I actually couldn’t find one at the last minute. Typical, right? Fortunately, I was able to drop by the Library of Congress on my way here and grab a pretty thick book, so I figure I’ll just read from that. And if anyone’s interested—not that it matters—the title of the book is The Necronomicon. I know, I know, it sounds pretty dry, but that’s sort of the point. Anyway, let’s get this filibuster started.
Oh, wow, the inside cover says, “translated from the original Arabic.” Yikes, I didn’t know that. Hopefully it’s not a religious text, right? Just joking (not really). Okay, okay, here we go.
That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with this verse even death may die.
Well that’s a little grim, maybe—hey, did anybody just hear that? It was kind of like a subterranean groan. There it is again! That doesn’t sound good. Somebody should call a plumber. Too bad I don’t have that phonebook. Oh well, I guess it can wait until after the filibuster.
That Death shall nod its foul rebirth,
by unearthing R’lyeh’s putrid breath.
R’lyeh, that’s a weird word. Is that Welsh? It looks like sheep speak. R’lyeh, Rule-yay—oh damn! Damn! There is definitely something wrong with the plumbing. It smells like a bog in here. Somebody open a window. Actually, on second thought, don’t. It looks pretty blustery outside. By the way, has that stained glass pentagram always been there? The way it pulses is really distracting.
That on the other side It now awaits,
a way to pierce the astral gate.
A body to be R’lyeh’s vessel,
the next name spoken shall receive this blessing.
Senator Reid, can we take a recess? I think the thermostat is broken. It’s like a thousand degrees in here. Between that, the plumbing and the filibuster, somebody’s going to lose their lunch. Speaking of which, Senator Reid, are you feeling all right? Your face just rippled. Maybe you should get some air. What? You want me to continue with the filibuster? Okay, okay, I’ll continue. You don’t have to shriek.
That now that R’lyeh has been trapped in flesh,
his leash requires one last slash.
A wizard, grand in sowing strife,
must offer up with words his life.
Senator Reid, would you please stop gnashing your teeth and tapping your talons like that? I know this is tedious, but I can barely hear myself read. What’s that Senator McConnell, you think I should stop? Look, I know the book has turned out to be less than ideal, but I don’t have anything else to read. What am I supposed to do, stop filibustering? And let this piece of civil rights legislation pass!? Over my dead body.
SUGGESTED READSList: Things Arlen Specter Could Do in Order to Secure the Chairmanship of the Senate Judicial Committee (In Ascending Order of Effectiveness)
by Austin Sidley (12/6/2004)
This Bill is Not Perfect
by Tim Hickey (3/23/2016)
Selections From H.P. Lovecraft’s Brief Tenure as a Whitman’s Sampler Copywriter
by Luke Burns (8/15/2008)
RECENTLYDenny’s Kid’s Menu Editorial Board: Trump is Unfit for the Presidency
by Pete Lynch (9/30/2016)
I’m a Political Journalist With 500 Words Due and Nothing Left to Say
by Zack Bornstein (9/30/2016)
Listicles For People Exactly Like You: 18 Signs Your Grandmother is Actually Ruby Hollis
by Rufi Thorpe (9/30/2016)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/22/2016)
Spring Forward, Fall Into Perpetual Darkness
by Sarah Hutto (9/22/2016)
Our Tiny Home is Revolutionizing How My Wife and I Fight
by Daniel Carrillo (9/21/2016)