Hello, Mrs. Cherry’s 5th-grade class. I am Batman’s butler, Alfred Pennyworth. Welcome to the inaugural Batcave Tour for Gotham’s School Children. We hope it will inspire you to help your fellow Gotham citizens just like Batman — a man whose fortune could convert all of Gotham to sustainable green energy, but instead selflessly chose to put his body and fortune on the line to fight crime dressed as the world’s most magnificent and ferocious creature — does.
Let me start the tour with an amusing little fact: The total cost of all the gadgets in this cave could fully fund Gotham’s public schools for 1,200 years.
The price for building the Batcave itself was the same amount as the city’s proposal to update Arkham Asylum. Yes, the city wanted to refurbish the whole building. Turn it into a beautiful rehab center dedicated to helping Gotham’s citizens with mental-health disorders. There were even two koi ponds in the design. It all worked out, though, because according to the team of data experts on Batman’s payroll, if mental health were easily accessible, Batman would have no supervillains to save us from. So a happy ending nonetheless.
Children, children! Please don’t touch the Batmobile! Batman doesn’t like it when it’s dirty — it hurts his brand. One smudge and I’ll have to get the whole thing detailed yet again, which costs about the same as it does to permanently correct the pipes that routinely burst downtown. Of course, why spend the money to fix them when Batman heroically patches them up himself when he has the time?
This here is Batman’s Power Armor. If you tally up the amount I’ve spent repairing this, you’d be able to pay for a full year of parental leave for all of Gotham’s citizens. Unfortunately, you can’t have a city where parents are fully supported to grow their families and a crime-fighting Batman who can destroy bad guys, buildings, and bridges. Anyway, thank goodness for this suit that allows Batman to punch villains like The Joker very, very hard.
YOUNG MAN, PUT THE SPRING LOADED BAT-EARS DOWN THIS INSTANT! Sorry, I did not mean to yell; it’s just that the money spent to produce each of those ears could make all of Gotham’s subway platforms accessible.
Over here we have our trunk of Batarangs. We have so many of these that we could end Gotham’s hunger epidemic twice over if we sold all of them. Humanitarian organizations are always bullying us to auction a few in support of local soup kitchens, but that’s a socialist-sized waste of money, not to mention the perfect ruse to get these babies in the hands of Batman’s enemies.
Ah, yes, I see you’ve found the Bat-sword. With the cost of this sword alone, one could fund unemployment for years and still make a slightly smaller sword. Why didn’t Batman do that? Well, the larger sword looks jazzier, of course, and don’t you children want Batman to look cool more than you want your parents to pay for your basic needs?
YOUNG SIR! DID I NOT TELL YOU TO PUT DOWN THE BAT-EARS?! Now, look at you: covered in blood and missing half a toe! Mrs. Cherry, please escort your student back to the school bus. Of course, I have first aid on hand, but that’s reserved for Batman when he comes back with pelvic stab wounds. It happens more often than you think.
In any case, children, that’s the end of the tour. Does anyone have any questions? No, you may not take a Batarang to pay for your future college education. I understand school is expensive, however… OH MY! OH NO!
No need to be alarmed, children! It’s Batman! Yes, he did just taser Mrs. Cherry. He’s always on the lookout for intruders and must have forgotten to remind him of today’s tour. Interesting fact: that taser costs the same as the non-covered ambulance ride Mrs. Cherry will now take to the hospital.