3400 BCE: 5 Elul
God promises Jews a piece of land with no natural resources aside from eternal strife, because he’s just fucking hilarious like that.
74 CE: 14 Tevet
Emporer Hadrianus tells the Jews they can return to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple, then says, you know what, screw it, just kidding, and has a real shit-eating laugh about the whole thing.
1408: 7 Tammuz
Someone decides gefilte fish is “Jewish food.”
1612: 12 Av
Applesauce vs. Sour Cream War begins. Thousands eventually perish.
1789: 7 Heshvan
God decrees all Jews must dress like Polish noblemen or face eternal damnation.
1864: 28 Sivan
Death of some rabbi probably. Not really sure, to be honest. Just feels like it’s been a while since a fast day was declared.
1926: 4 Adar
Those pointy black satin skullcaps are declared the official skullcap for people who never wear skullcaps.
1974: 3 Heshvan
Babka futures plummet. Investors lose millions.
1985: 26 Iyar
Parking fines in Jerusalem double.
1990: 17 Tishrei
2 Live Jews is formed.
1996: 15 Nisan
Traffic on the turnpike is so bad that your father misses half the Passover Seder but doesn’t bother calling even though he has one of those car phones and I spend all of Dayenu and the ten plagues thinking he’s probably sleeping with his secretary.
1999: 13 Tammuz
You get aroused after spying a Star of David pendant in your aunt’s cleavage at your cousin’s bar mitzvah and your sister notices, scarring you for life anytime you see the Israeli flag.
2017: 9 Shvat
People the world over learn to say the “ch” sound, taking away the last goddamn thing we had.