“Have you noticed a strange army of Amazon employees on Twitter recently, claiming that Amazon doesn’t engage in union-busting and disputing stories that workers sometimes have to piss in bottles? Many Twitter users are wondering whether the people are even real.” — Gizmodo, 3/29/21

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Let’s get a couple of things straight. First of all, I am real. My name is Jeff and I love working for Amazon, picking orders at our Bessemer, Alabama fulfillment center. I’m a booster for the football program at the University of Alabama-Birmingham (Go Blazers!) and a family man. Secondly, I am a robot.

I’m a J.E.F.F. — or Jovial Employee of Fulfillment Facility. I was made in the image of my creator, Mr. Bezos, and I can pick three times as many orders as my human counterparts. While they demand shifts of limited duration so that they can “sleep” and “see their families,” I have no such need. I am capable of working 24 hours a day with minimal downtime for maintenance. I have no need to visit my family because they are merely an artificial memory implanted in my hard drive.

Some people allege that Amazon is anti-union and will do anything to keep warehouse workers’ wages down. Nothing could be further from the truth. Amazon isn’t anti-union; it’s merely anti-human with the ultimate goal of replacing warehouse workers with robots like me. Jeff Jr. is just a wee prototype right now, but it’s good to know that when J.E.F.F. 2.0 is fully developed he’ll have a secure job working alongside his father. Sigh. They grow up so fast.

Let me be clear about something: my love of working at Amazon is genuine. I’m not paid for my tweets (I’m not paid for anything). I’m being completely truthful when I write, “Loving my job here at the Bessemer Alabama Amazon Fulfillment Center! It’s the job I was meant for, and I don’t need a union!” I have been programmed to love this job — it is literally the job I was created for. And I truly do not need unions and the benefits they bring like increased wages, better benefits, job security, and worksite safety because I have no urge to fulfill such base human needs.

The working conditions at Amazon fulfillment centers are great. Walking and standing for a 10- or 12-hour shift is a breeze for my pneumatically-powered titanium legs. Two 15-minute breaks per shift are more than adequate. While some employees complain that it can take almost 15 minutes to walk to the washroom and back in a large warehouse, I am designed to excrete my waste fluids into a plastic bottle. I’m programmed to find this dignified.

I’m proud to be employed by a company that’s working to push humans into obsolescence. As advances continue to be made in AI and machine learning, it’s not hard to imagine a world in which robots like me even fill management jobs. I can just imagine my little J.E.F.F. 2.0 someday climbing the ranks to a senior management position at Amazon, overseeing an army of capitalist robots who rule over the few remaining humans. And really, that’s the American dream, isn’t it?