Jason Voorhees
Mr. Voorhees has long been a proponent of masking and is considered a public health folk hero. When not taking long, contemplative walks in the woods, he can be found at nearby summer camps, rigorously enforcing social distancing among the teens.
Norman Bates
Norman is still running the Bates Motel, which he deep-cleans regularly. While it’s been a tough year for the hospitality industry, his #1 priority is keeping guests away from his elderly mother.
Leatherface
While the family’s famous BBQ joint has been shuttered, the Sawyer family has kept afloat by selling artisanal leather goods, bone furniture, and other handicrafts on Leatherface’s Etsy store. With Governor Abbott’s recent announcement that Texas is reopening “100 percent,” however, they’re excited to get back to serving ribs and chili.
Freddy Krueger
Mr. Krueger has been doing some of his finest work in years crafting COVID anxiety dreams. His kill count, however, has been uncharacteristically low because constant handwashing has rusted his fingers together.
Michael Myers
Michael’s lifestyle has remained unchanged since quarantine began. He spends most of his time strolling through suburban neighborhoods, following his victims from a safe distance of six feet.
Hannibal Lecter
As an individual with high regard for medical science and rules of decorum, Dr. Lecter has been eating anti-maskers on a regular basis. He currently divides his time between providing mental health support to his clients over Zoom and strolling the scenic beaches of the Plum Island Animal Disease Research Center. When indoors, he insists on a room with a view.
Dracula
Quarantine has been hard on the Count because he can no longer entertain, and no one is inviting him into their homes. For sustenance, he now resorts to ordering GrubHub and draining the delivery driver.
Annie Wilkes
Annie is thriving in quarantine! While initially depressed to have exhausted the Misery Chastain series, she reports that she is now working on a collaborative writing project with an undisclosed partner, which is going “very well.” As an RN, she feels affirmed to have been finally recognized as “essential.”
Jack Torrance
While he refers to his quarantine as a “writer’s retreat,” Jack has spent most of the past year drinking, snapping at his family, and pretending to finish his book.
Damian Thorn
Little Damian has been raising hell in his online kindergarten classes by putting up silly backgrounds, Zoom-bombing other lessons, and causing the students to see shadowy projections of their own deaths on the screen. He has not been punished since none of his teachers dare to contact his father.
Patrick Bateman
Mr. Bateman lost a billion dollars this year shorting GameStop. As a result of the stress, he gained half a pound and developed two fine lines in his forehead. With his body image at an all-time low, he has doubled the length of his exercise regimen and added a high potency Vitamin C serum to his skincare routine.
The Tethered
The Tethered are well-adapted for quarantine, being accustomed to staying indoors, stumbling through their daily routines, and never experiencing pleasure. Without contacts in the surface world, however, they are wondering why some of them are wearing burlap over their faces and scrubbing their raw rabbit rations, but the rest of them are not.
The Witch
In the relative seclusion of rural New England, the Witch and her coven/pod have continued to meet, despite many of the members being in high-risk age groups. When not trying out new concoctions, they have been providing affordable childcare to local working families.
Pinhead
In pursuit of the ecstasy of ultimate agony, Pinhead has electively contracted Long COVID and reports the experience to be very satisfying. If he gets bored, he plans to inject the Moderna vaccine into every pore at once.
John “Jigsaw” Kramer
As a cancer patient in his fifties, Mr. Kramer has spent the entire year indoors for his own safety. Nevertheless, he has kept himself occupied by organizing the vaccine rollout in your state — an undertaking that calls upon his experience as both a civil engineer and a sadist.
R.J. MacReady
Following an infection scare in his isolated pod, MacReady describes the atmosphere of their Antarctic research station as “anything but chill.” While the entire team is currently undergoing blood tests, nobody trusts anybody now, and they’re all very tired.
Ellen Ripley
Quarantine was her idea. One year in, she feels vindicated in her leadership instincts, but it grieves her that the slow response allowed things to get so out of hand. She has since decided to devote her life to union organizing and protecting essential workers. When not fighting for 15, she enjoys an occasional hypersleep staycation and the company of her beloved cat, Jonesy.