“Text me a 😘, I’m Irish.”

“Compliment me from at least 6 feet away, I’m Irish.”

“Propose to me through Love Is Blind-inspired pod walls, I’m Irish.”

“Make out with me in your NyQuil-induced dreams, I’m Irish.”

“Blow me a kiss but don’t actually exhale because the majority of viruses are transmitted through airborne pathogens, I’m Irish.”

“DM me the ultimate sext of 2020: a video of you washing your hands for longer than 20 seconds, I’m Irish.”

“Retweet me and my incredibly original jokes in which I call quarantine ‘boreantine’ and reply to all of @corona beer’s posts with ‘READ THE ROOM,’ I’m Irish.”

“Mail me a bag of Hershey’s Kisses because I haven’t seen another human in three weeks and it’s the little things that are getting me through this, I’m Irish.”

“Lick me if you’re my dog and it’s genetically impossible for you to contract COVID-19, I’m Irish.”

“FaceTime me without pants on because you haven’t put on pants in six days, and I’ll never know as long as you keep the camera at a crotch-free angle, I’m Irish.”

“Send me an inedible arrangements bouquet of Lysol, Sudafed, and Purell, I’m Irish.”

“Send me a comforting GIF of President Obama on Slack, and then slack my boss and beg them to implement a generous work-from-home policy that doesn’t make me feel guilty for opting to stay away from the office, I’m Irish.”

“FedEx me a case of toilet paper that costs less than $200 and isn’t ‘half-ply,’ whatever the hell that means, I’m Irish.”

“Mail me potatoes because I can’t get any at my local bodega, and the average potato’s shelf life is two to three months, which just so happens to be the amount of time I’ll be isolating myself from a virus for which there is no vaccine yet, I’m Irish.”

“Venmo me next month’s rent so I don’t have to make an Irish exit from my apartment and move in with my parents in Cleveland, I’m Irish.”

“Kiss me through the phone, and while we’re on the subject of Soulja Boy’s hit single, which came out in 2008, let’s also remember that 2008’s Cloverfield was definitely a work of fiction, and even though it feels like it sometimes, the world is not ending, so stay safe, and stay smart, and maybe call your local representatives, and do your part to make this tough world a little better for everyone else living in it, I’m Irish.”

“Fuck me after we both get tested for COVID-19, which, let’s face it, means fuck me never, I’m Irish.”