Watching this year’s Summer Olympics has been inspiring, particularly because I will have some time on my hands when the next Olympics roll around in 2020. My kids will have graduated from college. My mortgage will be mostly paid. My home-stay probation will be over. My alcohol ankle monitor will be off. And the Olympics could be just the ticket to keep me active as I enter retirement.
Picking the right sport is the challenge. Swimming is interesting. To swim at the Olympics, I’d have to solve a series of problems. In no particular order, do the swimmers have to take a shower before they enter the pool? I don’t like getting wet before I get wet. Besides, it feels insulting to assume that I am so infected with bacteria that chlorine cannot grind it off. Also, do those Olympic pools use that chemical stuff to spotlight where I have soiled myself? Let’s just say my bladder and prostate are not 100% reliable — particularly when I’ve been drinking gin all day. I don’t want to be one of those guys on the victory stand with my bathing suit drenched in telltale dye. Even a sprinkle could hurt my endorsement opportunities. (The good folks at Xellent Swiss Edweiss Gin, are you listening?)
Bathing suits are another issue. All my suits are loose fit, baggy Tommy Bahamas. My favorite is about five years old. The internal netting keeps getting tangled up with my private parts, but I suspect my wife can re-sew it after her release from incarceration. Those trunks sort of disguise my beer belly and make me feel confident. Also that suit doesn’t rub my crotch region in a way that leaves painful red rashes that can turn bloody after itching. It’s better than wearing one of those euro-speedos where everybody talks behind your back about the lack of heft in your package.
I’m good at strategies and I think swimming lends itself to that. For instance, I noticed when Katie Ledecky swims, she keeps pace with that yellow world record bar thingy on the TV screen. And then she wins. Very smart. I would do the same. One of my biggest decisions will be whether to swim forward or backward. For practical purposes, it feels more appropriate to swim forward. I will concentrate on swimming forward, when I finally learn how to swim.
Practicality is important and underrated. If I’m going to commit several weeks to perfecting my sport, it would be good to do something with real-world value. That is why I’m so attracted to synchronized diving. But even that has obstacles. Watching the men synchronized divers, they tend to look like identical twins or cute gay couples. In my case, I would need a partner that looks like Jonah Hill, during one of his heavy phases. Perhaps we will be cuter after we groom our back hair.
In my mind’s eye, I see us jumping off the 10-meter platform into a fully synchronized Triple Inward Reverse Semi-Rotational Tuckahoe while tapping tambourines. The degree of difficulty would be off the charts, especially if we are wearing shoes. Did I mention because I am afraid of heights that I’ll have to do this blindfolded? I’m thinking it’s this event or synchronized dressage (also blindfolded; I’m terrified of horses.)
I appreciate there could be some skepticism about my ability to compete with younger athletes. In fact one of my biggest concerns is how I will get along with my competitors in the Athletes’ Village. Will anybody eat with me at the early bird special? Will anybody watch Antique Roadshow with me? Will anybody help me with my emphysema or my colostomy bag? I’m sure everybody will be filled with similar fears — it’s just part of the growth experience. I do hope our RA is nice and I get a super cool roommate like Katrina Witt.
Full confession, I do not know where the 2020 Olympics will be. But it might be best to keep my focus on perfecting my event, for now. If I knew where the Olympics were, I might end up spending too much time mastering the language of the host country. Eventually I’ll need to be fluent, so I can impress the locals during victory speeches. I’m pulling for Kyrgyzstan because I already know a little Spanish and I don’t think Interpol has jurisdiction there.
So it is with this mix of fears and excitement that I begin my preparation. I just need to keep a focus on my competitive advantage — Jonah Hill. Also, I have a hard-earned world savvy that will serve me well at the 2020 Olympics. You simply cannot substitute sixty-odd years of hard drinking for a few years of intense physical preparation by young world-class athletes. They know nothing!
Can anyone put me in touch with Jonah Hill?