HELL YEAH MAN (CLEANING SERVICE).
I’ll come to your house and clean whatever you need, man, RIGHT NOW! I got a Swiffer; let’s just jack this place up! I can do this entire house in under 30 minutes! Let’s fucking jack it!!!
FUCKIN’ RIGHT? (DOG WALKING)
I am constantly on the go, i.e. jacked up, baby! I might as well put a dog leash in my hands! I fucking love dogs, dude! I wanna kiss them on their little faces or whatever!!!
OOOH WEEE (TACO TRUCK)
Tacos, man! Fucking tacos. I got a truck, I’ll just come by and cook up anything you want! All I got right now is chicken battered in Monster, bro! Good shit!!!
YES LET’S DO IT! (LIBRARY ON WHEELS)
Beep beep! Fucking books on a bike, yo! I would use my truck but it caught on fucking FIRE, man! But this bike is sick! I don’t do this for the money; I’m a total nerd! Text me your addy and I’ll be there in less than 30!
TOTALLY (MONSTER THEMED ETSY SHOP)
I. LOVE. MONSTER!!! Seriously tho, I got hand-painted tees, totes, mother-trucking KOOZIES, and a blow-up chair. Perfect for any holiday! Buy this shit, man!
DUUUUUDE (MINISTRY SERVICES)
I WILL MARRY YOU, BRO! I will put a little suit on or whatever and get you fucking married! Life is beautiful. God Bless, man. I’m already crying! My emotions feel out of control right now, in a good way!
HIGH FIVE ME (INSOMNIA COUNSELING)
I know how it feels when you don’t remember what sleep feels like! I haven’t slept in a week! All good, tho! My productivity is jacked all the way up! You can sleep when you’re DEAD, man!!!
HOSPITAL (I NEED TO GO TO A HOSPITAL)
I need a ride, ASAP! I think I left my library bike on a roof or something! Pump my little stomach or whatever! Gimme a lobotomy! Just take me there — and bring the mother-trucking koozies!!!