Would you rather cry to Adele, Sufjan, or Mitski?
If you could only have all your existential crises in one Target bathroom for the rest of your life, which one would it be and why?
Have you ever found a client attractive, and, if so, why wasn’t it me?
Do you think I could pull off bangs?
Take five minutes to tell each other your life stories. Your part will not count toward my hour-long session.
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? What about my relationship with my mother?
Am I your favorite client? Discuss for at least two minutes.
Picture your perfect meal. Now, try to figure out how that relates back to your middle school trauma.
If you could be any diagnosis in the DSM-5, which would you be?
Make four minutes of sustained eye contact with my Twitter feed.
Imagine the two of us switch places. What would you do if you were me and how would you fix it all?
What’s your favorite book? Please keep in mind that time I sent you an early manuscript of my yet-to-be-finished memoir.
I know you aren’t supposed to have favorite clients, but in five words or less, tell me why it’d be me.
Let’s try some word association. What do you think of when I say “therapy”? What about “client”?” How about “exemplary self-awareness and nice teeth”?
Who would you least want to get stuck in an elevator with? What if it’s between me and that guy who always comes in before me and stays, like, a full minute into my time?
If going to therapy were in the Olympics, in which events would I get gold?
If you were stranded on a desert island, who would I contact if I needed a last-minute session?
Do you prefer breakfast for dinner, brunch, or eating all three of your meals in a chaotic frenzy between 1:30 p.m. and 6 p.m.?
What’s your most irrational fear? Don’t you think that makes my fears of rejection, isolation, and unexpected eels in my toilet seem kind of normal?
Is deflection always an unhealthy coping mechanism? Okay, but what if it’s very funny?
What’s the best birthday present you’ve ever received? Does that make-up for the time I texted you at 2 a.m. to let you know I’d probably be late for my session later that week?
Should I get a dog? A plant? Three pet rocks I stick googly eyes on?
Who’s the last person you said “I love you” to? What about accidentally at the end of a phone session with a client? Do you tell people when I do that?
Are you an early bird, a night owl, or an anxiously-pacing shrew who sleeps at strange times throughout the day?
I am your favorite though, right?