TO: Household members
FROM: Human Resources/Leadership
SUBJECT: Dinner Policy Changes
The Human Resources/Leadership committee has enacted a new one-bite rule. All household members with 4+ years experience are now required to take one bite of the prepared meal at the dinner table before additional food options are enabled.
Please note that no requests for alternate meals or meal components will be approved until the requirement is met.
We appreciate your cooperation in this matter.
TO: “Heinous” Resources/Dictators
FROM: Reese, Star Employee and “Best Girl”
RE: Dinner Policy Changes Memo
I am writing in response to this egregious policy change. I, for one, am immensely disappointed you made a decision like this without employee consideration.
I absolutely refuse to comply with this preposterous demand and loudly request further explanation.
Please provide my usual three oz. of spaghetti and four oz. shaky cheese to my playroom office as soon as possible.
TO: Disgruntled Employee Reese
FROM: Benevolent and Learned Leadership
RE:RE: Dinner Policy Changes Memo
Unfortunately, your request has been denied. We’ve made this policy change to address dinner inefficiencies. We have done extensive
Your presence is requested at the dinner table ASAP. Your colleague has already had seconds.
There is a generous chocolate incentive for willing participants.
Also, we’re trying out a new tagline; please add it to your signature block: “One team, one bite!”
Policy Chief and Screen Time Liaison
TO: Wicked Witch
FROM: Poor Unfortunate Reese
RE:RE:RE: Dinner Policy Changes Memo
Since he crossed the picket line, I no longer recognize Quinn as my colleague.
He deserted me for dessert, and thus, I have a legal right to all his stuff.
I’ve blocked my calendar for the next few minutes while I dismantle multiple LEGO cars.
“No Bites, All Fights!”
My colleague has accepted my apology, and I have agreed to cover the cleanup. I will begrudgingly come to the table on this one.
I request chocolate milk for my pain and suffering.
Good Girl Focus Group Member (Newly Formed)
TO: Beloved Leadership
FROM: Most Smol Team Member, Reesey-Roo
SUBJECT: Adjustment Request
I have partaken in the corn and roll portion of this program, but I have observed the requested protein bite and deemed it entirely too large.
That amount is significantly out of scope.
I have sent back an updated proposal I believe to be more attainable by my mouth.
Also, I like your earrings. You look pretty.
Where is my chocolate milk?
Sent from Under the Kitchen Table
FROM: Long-Suffering Leadership
RE: Adjustment Request
Your proposed reduction of one bite to “one sliver of food too small to put on a fork” has been rejected.
As a show of good faith, we’ve reduced the bite by half and honored your chocolate milk request.
Please, for the love of all that is holy, sit down.
It’s been an hour.
TO: Long-Suffering Leadership
AUTOMATIC REPLY: RE: Adjustment Request
I am currently in the bathroom. Please abstain from bothering me unless I telepathically request your assistance, in which case I expect you to arrive this instant.
If you need assistance with anything chore related, please get in touch with my colleague, Quinn. If you are experiencing a chocolate emergency, please notify me immediately and do not tell my colleague. I will return in two minutes or however long it takes you to forget about this silly policy.
Reese, PMP (Please Make Pasta)
TO: Super Cool and Groovy Reese
FROM: Desperate Households Marketing (A Division of Leadership)
SUBJECT: Time Is Running Out!!
We know you’re brave. We know you’re a star employee. We know you don’t want to miss out on this exciting opportunity to grow your personal brand as “A Good Trier!” and earn extra Proud of You™ points this quarter! Well, here’s your chance.
In this limited-time offer, if you take one bite of dinner, your leadership team will … do a silly dance.
We’ve got both Mom and Dad in on this one. They will jump around like fools. They might even put something on their heads.
This offer will expire in ten … fifteen … sixty minutes, or bedtime, whatever comes first.
See you at the table.
TO: Pathetic Promotions Department
RE: Time Is Running Out!
I am fluent in almost twenty letters of the alphabet.
Don’t insult my intelligence with your millennial influencer email marketing.
Dad, I thought you were better than this. Given the toxic work environment, I am rethinking my tenure here.
I might have to see if the Grandparent location is accepting transfers.
SUBJECT: HIGH-IMPORTANCE BEDTIME OVERDUE NOTICE—8:35 p.m.
According to our records, you have not completed your bedtime tasks and are officially late. Please remedy this immediately.
Because of competing objectives, we accept your “tentative tasting” proposal as a revision of the one-bite policy. We have observed your licking of a pea-sized bit of meatloaf and a pinky-finger amount of mashed potatoes and have decided it is sufficient to move forward. Please note you have been placed on a performance improvement plan, and the one-bite policy remains unchanged.
Cheese, crackers, and apple slices have been provided to meet the mandated rest requirements of the Leadership team. Your leadership team would like you to know that we have not failed. We certainly will not stand in the shower and wonder where we went wrong. We will regroup tomorrow with a new approach and maybe a cocktail.
Reminder: books longer than ten pages are not accessible at this time. A truncated version of the Official Bedtime Routine is currently in place.
SUBJECT: I’m hungry
Can I have spaghetti?
Sent from Bed at 10:32 p.m.