A Message from Our CEO:

Hallå, IKEA customers and shareholders —

IKEA furniture assembly is the 4th most-cited reason for divorce in the United States. Research shows that when couples assemble IKEA furniture, the husband’s shortcomings as a man are inevitably exposed. This causes him to lash out. But is a screaming match and hurt feelings unavoidable? Instead, what if American women could substitute the clumsy impotent rage of their husbands with the knowledgeable touch of a Swedish man?

Introducing CÜCK — a new furniture assembly service from IKEA.

IKEA, Inc. has built a nationwide team of over 900 young, vigorous, and blonde Swedish men to satisfy the furniture needs of America’s wives. Whether your husband fails to construct a MALM, FJELLSE, or even a FLURG, you can rest easy knowing there’s a Swede one phone call away who can give you what you want.

As a global leader in the furniture retail industry, IKEA’s top priority is to improve the customer experience by leveraging value-added services. After several months exploring this service-line expansion and a soft-launch in our Utah stores, we are confident that CÜCK (pronounced “cook”) will gratify even the most disaffected brides. “CÜCKing” the husbands of America is simply the next logical step in our corporate evolution.

No longer will wives be stuck with a would-be EKTORP shelving unit and a bunch of “rage” holes in their drywall. No longer will husbands confusedly gawk at our wordless instructions and whimsical Dutch illustrations before ultimately tossing them aside and “winging it.” Scandinavian design requires gentle but firm Scandinavian hands, not boorish American sausage fingers and a refusal to follow directions.

The process is simple: Your CÜCK technician will arrive late one evening. Then after discussing what you are and are not comfortable with over some wine, the wife will assist the technician in assembling her IKEA product as the husband watches sheepishly from across the room.

American husbands will be titillated both by our low-priced add-on service and by watching their wives’ enter an exotic world of exquisite furniture pleasures unlike any she could experience with her spouse.

The CÜCK process eliminates the discomforts of IKEA furniture construction. No more of your husband searching for wood dowels that have rolled under the sofa and screaming about “this HALSTAG bullshit.” No more of him forcibly ramming two incongruent pieces of wood together or throwing out “extra hardware.” Because despite what your husband claims, the IKEA corporation doesn’t intentionally include extra cam screws or nut sleeves “in case you lose some.” but you wives have always known that, haven’t you? Don’t worry, your CÜCK technician knows it too.

While some American men may be initially discomforted by watching another man assist his wife in assembling furniture, it is nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, it is very evolved to allow yourself to be “CÜCKed.” We do it all the time in Europe. However, because of these cultural differences, consumer education will be necessary. We recommend that wives start by exploring the recently launched CÜCK message boards on IKEA.com and read real experiences from “CÜCKed” customers. And remember, be patient with your husband!

Secondary market research unequivocally demonstrates that husbands will be thrilled watching their wives experience the unadulterated ecstasy of properly constructed furniture by a virile and experienced Swede.

Visit an IKEA location near you to get CÜCKed today!