Relaxed-fit jeans: Has answered the phone “Yello!” for 40+ years

Wrangler jeans: Offered you sips of his Lone Star beer when you were six

Athletic Shorts: Currently banned from one or more youth sports complexes

Drawstring linen pants: Has hundreds of celestial children who call him “Father"

Wool suit pants: His son’s name ends in “Jr.”

Silk suit pants: His son’s name ends in “III”

Camouflage suit pants: His son’s name ends in “Sue”

Adidas track pants: May or may not have interfered in the US government on behalf of an Eastern European republic

Seersucker pants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a mint julep

Swim trunks: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a margarita

Thrasher sweatpants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a vape pen

Denim shorts, aka Jorts: Has punched a theme-park mascot

Stonewashed denim shorts, aka Jorts: Has groped a theme-park mascot

XXL furry brown pants: Is a theme park mascot

Dickie’s work pants: Once gave you a toolkit for Christmas

Pants with suspenders: Has been trying to send you an email attachment since 1998

Pants with artisanal leather suspenders: Has been trying to AirDrop you a craft cocktail recipe since 2018

Hiking pants: Thinks there’s nothing a little fresh air can’t cure

Flared trousers: Recently said, “What do you mean vinyl is back? It never left, man!”

Golf pants: Spends holidays telling you how upset he is with your voting choices

Tie-dye pants: Spends holidays telling you how upset he is with your voting choices

Skinny-cropped chinos: Has orchestrated an all-fedora family photoshoot

Corduroy pants: Subscribes to at least three tea-of-the-month clubs

Cargo shorts: Banned from Nextdoor for regularly offering to solve any issue with his shotgun

Lululemon yoga pants: Hangs with the moms in the kitchen during kid’s birthday parties

Colonial breeches tucked into long boots: Your dad is Lin Manuel Miranda

Tuxedo pants: Your dad is now married to your best friend from middle school

Pleated Dockers: Comes home from the office, spends rest of night lifting weights in the garage

Plaid pajama bottoms: Begins day with coffee he bought from your friend

Cartoon character pajama bottoms: Begins day with weed he bought from your friend

Tactical pants: His name is on both government and neighborhood watch lists

Denim overalls: He is the lead farmer of a local organic collective

Denim rolled-up overalls with a belt : He is the lead singer of Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Leather pants: Tells you how much you disappoint him while holding a skull-shaped bottle of tequila