The Questioner: Can anyone escape the clutches of this conniving conference-goer, who interrupts every presentation to ask how it relates to his own work?

Reviewer Number Two-Face: A scarred, split personality peer reviewer who uses a coin flip to determine if scholars publish or perish.

The Penguin Press: This foul, deformed publisher wreaks havoc by releasing new editions of textbooks right after professors finish their syllabi.

The Deconstructionist: A diabolical Derridean who exposes instabilities in every text.

Mr. Hiring Freeze: This icy administrator stops all new job searches cold, chilling university departments to the bone!

Harlequin: The manic, unhinged instructor who keeps teaching romance novels in her World Literature and Cultures seminars.

Tailgater: Holy sports worship! Who will win in Batman’s matchup against this fiendish fan, who plots to turn the entire university into one massive football program?

Practical Joker: Disfigured after plunging into a keg of skunky beer, this frat boy terrorizes the university with endless prank wars on nerds and stuffy administrators.

Poison Ivy League: This maven of mayhem plants high expectations for top-tier universities that become impossible standards for schools around the country.

The Accreditor: Fear this baneful bureaucrat, who can decimate a university’s legitimacy with one fatal stroke of the pen!

Tuition Raise Al Ghul: This unrelenting, immortal foe keeps increasing the cost of college at several times the rate of inflation.

The Republican Legislature: Will these reprobate representatives succeed in their dastardly plot to cut state higher education appropriations from 6% to 4%? Tune in to the next legislative session to find out!