“For the first time in half a century, visitors to the world’s largest cultural institution, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, will have to pay a mandatory admission fee of $25 if they do not live in New York State under a new policy that begins March 1, the museum announced on Thursday.” — New York Times 1/4/18

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Visitors from outside New York State will be required to pay $25 for admission and an additional $25 for a mandatory set of art spectacles that make the paintings look better

Visitors from within New York State will be required to show a New York license or state ID card to verify residency; if you do not have a piece of identification, you will instead be asked to convincingly shout, “I’m walkin’ here!”

Left-handed visitors will be turned away and referred to as “southpaw freaks”

NYU students named Phil will not be charged for entry

Seniors (65+) will be charged double and forced to use faulty, extremely quiet audio guides

Children under 12 will not be charged for entry, but will have to work a full eight-hour custodial shift at the museum

New York State residents will be allowed to continue using our pay-as-you-wish policy, but ticket counter employees will now ask, “Are you sure?” 15 times in increasing volume if you try to pay below $25 for admission

Student admission will be $12 as long as you bring us your TI-89 calculator so we can sell it later and make a few quick bucks

Your admission ticket will expire if you use one of our restrooms, at which point you’ll have to purchase a new admission ticket

Visitors whose first names begin with the letter J will have to pay an extra $35 for entry and will only be allowed to spend a total of 10 minutes in the museum

Visitors who mispronounce Edvard Munch’s name will be escorted off the premises by security, thrown into the East River, and banned for life

Visitors wearing jeans will have to let us swipe their credit card, close our eyes, and press a random dollar amount on the keypad

Visitors from the state of California will be forced to deposit any valuables and jewelry into a large collection basket labeled “Stuff to Pawn” prior to entry

Visitors under six feet tall will have to walk under our large industrial magnet that will snatch your coins, watches, and other metal belongings

Visitors over six feet tall will have to pay a tall toll and respond when the ticket attendant asks, “How’s the weather up there?”

Visitors wearing shirts with stripes on them will have to purchase a separate $5 admission ticket for each stripe

No Irish