Ohmigod hiii! It is SO nice to finally sit down and catch up. I feel like I have no idea what’s going on in your life anymore since I am no longer on social media.

Me first? Okay! Well, a LOT has happened lately. For one, I got off social media. Have I mentioned that? We’re talking Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, anything with an internet-based platform intended to connect and communicate with others. Oh, you already know what constitutes as social media? Sorry, I just forget sometimes, since I am not on it.

Since deleting my entire social presence, I’ve found that I have soooo much more time on my hands to do other things, like “be present in the moment” and “spend time with loved ones” and “tell anyone who will listen that I am not on social media.” For example, last week I saw Kerry — you remember Kerry (the one on social media) — we went to an amazing exhibit at the MOCA, which she found out about on Facebook, one of the many social media platforms I am no longer using. The exhibit was on “birds,” which I heavily related to, because I think on a deeper level it was telling us to “look up,” something I do a lot of now that I’m not on social media. Kerry disagreed, saying the exhibit was just a straightforward history of taxidermy, according to the museum’s Instagram account, but since I’m not on that app — or any other modes of social media, for that matter — there was really no way to verify.

Anyway, Kerry took pictures at the exhibit and, even though she didn’t explicitly say it, I could tell she felt a little inferior taking photos next to me — a non-social media using goddess — since her face dropped a little every time I reminded her there was no way for her to tag me any longer. I took pictures too, but they were just for me (I’m not on social media, so who else would they be for!?). They were also completely in my head, of course, because another perk of deleting social media is getting an AMAZING photographic memory! For example, at this very moment I’m looking at this Golden Pheasant I captured with a red stomach and a spotted tail and no social media, whatsoever. Just like me! I wish you could see her as vividly as I can — she is truly amazing!!

But please, tell me, what’s new with you? Just busy with work?! I bet! I felt that way too before I deleted social media, but not anymore! Did you know when you delete social media you literally get more hours in the day? No joke. I get 51 hours now. Can you believe?!

Speaking of believing, I feel so much closer to God lately! Also to Jennifer Lawrence, Sandra Bullock, Emily Blunt, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jennifer Aniston, Emma Stone, Keira Knightley, Kate Winslet, Rachel McAdams, the Olsen Twins, and Jesus — all higher beings who are not on social media, like myself. What was that? Would I call myself a true God among Gods? Maybe! But definitely not on Twitter or any other social media platform since I am not on any.

Aww, you have to go already?! Ugh! Well it was SO good to see you. Let’s PLEASE not wait so long to get together next time, okay?! We should connect this week to set something up — just not on social media, since I am not on it.