What fresh hell is this under your bed?

Brevity is the soul of the conversations you have with me.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. So, for the love of God, do not tell me that you are bored one more time.

The two most beautiful words in the English language, according to a teenage boy, are “ejaculation and fart.”

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth. The first thing you should do is use that antibacterial soap under your armpits. Twice.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone still. Maybe it couldn’t hurt to try some Proactiv?

“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses” is an antiquated notion. Many girls wear glasses now, and if you refuse to ask out girls who don’t fit some clichéd idea of how young women are supposed to look, then I have failed at raising a progressive young man.

There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words, and back talk is what will get you grounded for the next month.

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, come and sit here by me” is what mean girls will say at lunch. But if you know any better, you’ll stay in the library and start studying for the SATs.

What fresh hell is this? Did you try that soap?

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the car’s tires. They’ll probably just go out the window and in their friend’s car anyway.

“I hate writing, I love having written” is what you’ll say once you’ve finished this essay on The Scarlet Letter. Even though, yes, I agree, your English teacher should be teaching outside of the canon.

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.