ALEXANDRA: Did I tell you I ran into Rachel yesterday?
MICHAEL: Rachel… is that the woman that runs the retreat upstate? The one with the goats that do yoga?
ALEXANDRA: No. She lives in 207.
MICHAEL: The vegetarian who we ran into at the meat counter of Whole Foods last month? The one whose eleventh-hour rescue dog has election anxiety-induced irritable bowel syndrome so it can only eat organic, free-range, kosher chicken breasts boiled in distilled spring water?
ALEXANDRA: No. Are you even trying, Michael? Seriously, why can’t you remember any of our neighbors?
MICHAEL: I DO remember our neighbors. I just don’t remember their names or where exactly they live. It was so much simpler when we could define them by their ethnicity and sexual orientation.
ALEXANDRA: Oh, Michael. You automatically assumed the woman in that viral BBC interview was the nanny, didn’t you? I suppose if I described her as the ginger JAP who always takes out the recycling while wearing her aerial yoga unitard you enjoy so much?
MICHAEL: I’d instantly know who you’re talking about… and I’d hate myself.
ALEXANDRA: ANYWAY. I ran into her at Starbucks and…
MICHAEL: I thought you gave up caffeine for Lent.
ALEXANDRA: I did. But now I feel compelled to wake at 3 am and check Twitter to see if Barry’s honor needs defending. Or if we’ve declared war on anyone. Or if I need to watch last night’s SNL. Besides, I still had time on my meter after picking up more postcard stamps and Rosa was planning to do the floors.
MICHAEL: Fair enough. How is Mabel? She has kids, right? I mean, you wouldn’t think it from looking at that unitard but I seem to remember her being followed by a short person she kept calling “her rutabaga.”
ALEXANDRA: Her name is Rachel, Michael. She only has one kid and his name is Kale. She was telling me all about how she took him to the zoo, despite her objections to animals in captivity, and he kept calling the rhesus monkeys “Priebus monkeys”!
MICHAEL: So precocious!
ALEXANDRA: Yes, very. In preschool they’re teaching Kale to spell fascism T-R-U-M-P. Isn’t that adorable?
MICHAEL: Start ‘em young. Start ‘em right. That’s what I always say.
ALEXANDRA: No you don’t. You always say, “You can pee next to me.” Only now it’s become a political rallying cry rather than something the frat made you scream while pledging.
MICHAEL: But I really do mean it that way now. I know I’m late, but I’m committed to the cause, Alex.
ALEXANDRA: I know, my patriarchy-smashing paramour. Anyway, Rachel is trying to decide where to send Kale to kindergarten.
MICHAEL: I thought they bought that place because we’re in the best school zone?
ALEXANDRA: That was before the election.
MICHAEL: Now it’s no longer a good school district? Is Hazel worried that Chard might be non-binary? Or trans? Or pan—
ALEXANDRA: Kale. His name is Kale. And it’s more like RACHEL’S definition of a good school zone changed. It’s a very affluent zone. Too affluent. And it’s rather… monochromatic.
MICHAEL: Why wouldn’t she keep him at the Jewish Center?
ALEXANDRIA: BECAUSE THEY HAVE BOMB THREATS MORE OFTEN THAN RECESS.
MICHAEL: Right. So what’s the scoop on the other school she’s considering? Is it a private school? Will she get vouchers?
ALEXANDRA: No, no, no — it’s a magnet. Or maybe a charter? Honestly, I don’t really know how any of it works. But I’m sure this administration isn’t going to require vouchers for students to elect to attend school with minorities and an inclusion program. They’ll just require them to sign up for a registry.
MICHAEL: What’s an inclusion program?
ALEXANDRA: It’s where special needs kids are taught in the regular classroom.
MICHAEL: Aren’t special needs kids illegal now? As of last week? At least until someone sues?
ALEXANDRA: I was just researching that on Snopes but got distracted when someone posted another Randy Rainbow video. I’m such a sucker for social commentary-infused show tunes. And lavender-infused lattes. I miss coffee so much. But Rachel expressly said this other school has an inclusion program AND 70% of the students are POC. She described it as an experimental personalized, inquiry-based, systematic, STEM-focused, explicitly diverse program. It’s called PISSED. Though who knows what the state of the school system will be by next Fall. I assume they’ll get to stick to their mission so long as they don’t try to feed any of the lower income, starving students.
MICHAEL: I’m not sure what any of that means. Honestly, I feel a little for Betsy DeVos. I mean, not Ruby Bridges levels of empathy, obviously. But should parents really be so riled up over compulsory daycare? I mean, it’s kindergarten. I assume they spend most of the time coloring and sitting in a circle Indian-style…
ALEXANDRA: Criss-cross applesauce.
MICHAEL: I’m not hungry, thanks.
ALEXANDRA: No, Michael. It’s a way to sit. The other term is not respectful of indigenous peoples.
MICHAEL: Jesus. I can’t handle a reboot of MacGyver and I’m supposed to tolerate a reboot of childhood?
ALEXANDRA: Then you must be losing your mind over the Dr. Seuss racist cartoons making the rounds on social media.
MICHAEL: THE WHAT?!? For fuck’s sake. Next you’ll be telling me that Mr. Rogers used bunny rabbits for batting practice and that the Electric Company was an ISIS cell. I’m so glad we never had kids.
ALEXANDRA: I’ve been thinking about that, too.
MICHAEL: We can’t have kids, Alex. That’s another message from our youth destroyed. Marlo Thomas was always singing that women could have it all, but she was lying.
ALEXANDRA: I don’t think anyone has said that since 1972. They damn sure aren’t saying it now. Unless they’re talking about domestic labor-saving appliances. Then you can have all you want with 0% down. As of the latest tweet storm, aspiring to anything else is now prohibited by executive order.
MICHAEL: No, I guess you’re right. Even Adele couldn’t do it. And she’s much younger than we are.
ALEXANDRA: Well, actually, she took a hiatus to have a kid, yes. But then she basically took home ALL the Grammy’s. She had so many she was breaking off chunks and giving them away. She was making it rain tiny plastic gramophones. And there’s Queen Bey.
MICHAEL: Maybe you just need a career in the music industry to have it all. But your odds of having a successful music career are about as high as successfully juggling a career and family. Or 45 making it through all four years without impeachment. Or you making it another week without a cappuccino.
ALEXANDRA: Easter isn’t so far away.
MICHAEL: I bet the sign-up deadline for the next session of aerial yoga isn’t far away either. You should reach out to Mirabel and see where she bought that unitard.
ALEXANDRA: HER NAME IS RACHEL! WOMEN ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE, YOU MISOGYNISTIC MONOCRAT. Let me tell you what YOU are about to retroactively give up for Lent.
MICHAEL: Any chance that if your caffeine is delivered by a Jew it doesn’t count as a Lent infraction?
ALEXANDRA: Bending the rules like a cabinet member. I like how you think. Now fetch me some alternative caffeine.