ALEXANDRA: We need go bags, Michael.

MICHAEL: You’re overreacting.

ALEXANDRA: That’s what you said last October when my panic attacks started. I’m just saying we need to be prepared, Michael. What if they repeal health care and we can’t afford your Xanax? What if Civil War erupts? What if they destroy the internet and we have to wait to subscribe to print? What if you forget to put a post-it over your laptop camera one day and they see you have a periodic table hanging in your office?

MICHAEL: We need go bags.


MICHAEL: What do we put in them? Is there an Amazon list? Is Prime still next day in the event of an apocalypse? Oh, sweet merciful Jon Stewart, tomorrow is Sunday.

ALEXANDRA: We’ll need to travel light. Bare essentials, Michael.

MICHAEL: Is the generator gassed up? How many gallons of gas does it take to charge a tablet?

ALEXANDRA: In this apocalyptic scenario, we’re assuming there’s no internet, remember?

MICHAEL: How many gallons to charge a Kindle?

ALEXANDRA: ESSENTIALS, MICHAEL. That means cellphones, passports, pussy hats. Should we take supplies to make protest signs?

MICHAEL: Can’t we just make a multi-purpose one in advance and take that?

ALEXANDRA: But what if they attack another group? It won’t be just the Muslims forever.

MICHAEL: Then we’ll make it say, “All lives matter.”

ALEXANDRA: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, MICHAEL. Have you been living under an ecologically-responsible yurt? We can’t say that shit. People are going to think you aren’t woke.

MICHAEL: I still don’t understand that word. Is it a grammar thing? I haven’t slept since November. So did I woke last year?

ALEXANDRA: I don’t think that’s how it works. But I DO know you never, ever say “All Lives Matter.”

MICHAEL: There are way too many rules when total chaos reigns.

ALEXANDRA: We’re all making sacrifices, Michael. I desperately miss watching Empire.

MICHAEL: Are you allowed to boycott a Black TV show? I thought we were just boycotting Fox News. Now it’s the whole damn network?

ALEXANDRA: I think so. Honestly, I can’t keep up with what we’re boycotting. Thank heavens our Prius is self-driving because my Facebook feed keeps vacillating over which ride company is fleecing the immigrants.

MICHAEL: I know. I can’t even enjoy my heteronormative porn. I don’t even know who I am anymore. For a moment last night, I almost didn’t care that my fantasy league is in pieces.

ALEXANDRA: Wasn’t the Super Bowl last weekend? Isn’t football over?

MICHAEL: The season is over?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME!?!?! Next you’ll tell me I can’t even enjoy a beer and steak.

ALEXANDRA: Methane gas, Michael. DiCaprio says no more red meat. And I haven’t found an American-made beer yet that didn’t support you-know-who. So we’re out. But that reminds me, we should throw in some boxes of wine. I’d normally prefer a white with the non-GMO, organic, fair-trade-certified kale chips and box of Lara bars I’ve packed, but refrigeration might be an issue. Red it is!

MICHAEL: Wait! If the internet is broken, does Apple Pay still work? Are we going to have to use credit cards like the olden days?

ALEXANDRA: No, I’m afraid we’ll need cash.

MICHAEL: Ugh. Well let’s make sure we get big bills. A fat wallet messes up the lines of my skinny jeans. And pack some hand sanitizer. Money is filthy.

ALEXANDRA: Paper money burns, Michael. We need silver coins. Lots of them. And maybe we should throw in some gold jewelry. Hey! On the plus side, maybe all those class rings you’ve been hoarding will finally be useful!

MICHAEL: This isn’t all going to fit into my NPR tote. It’s so heavy, Alexandra. The weight of all of this is so, so heavy. Can’t we send some more money to the ACLU and pretend this will all just go away. Based on this growing pile of essentials, a few more tote bags wouldn’t hurt.

ALEXANDRA: I know, Michael. It really puts it all into perspective, doesn’t it? The refugees are so brave.