The following are actual excerpts from my son’s research report on the Endocrine system for his 6th-grade science class that I recently rediscovered in a folder in an old backpack in his closet. My son (now in high school) has agreed to let me publish this, and would like everyone to know that he received an A- on the report.

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1. “By mine and many others’ opinions, the ovaries and the testes are the grossest part of the Endocrine System. Sadly, though, they are unstoppable and a very important part of your life. Puberty, love, and childbirth are all controlled by these hideous, cell-bearing organs.”

2. "The adrenal glands are responsible for what’s called the ‘fight or flight response’… Despite granting you superhuman strength and turning you into basically a werewolf without the tail and fur, too much adrenaline can have its side effects…”

3. "The pituitary gland signals other glands in your brain when you’re low on water or just thinking about grabbing some refreshments.”

4. “Without your pancreas, you’re as good as dead.”

5. “Hormones control more than you think. And if they lose control, watch out. Interesting things will start to happen to you.”

6. “Ovaries and testes are responsible for the state in a person’s life called ‘puberty,’ where you grow up more rapidly, your urethra begins to enlarge, your voice becomes deeper, you get pimples, and hair starts appearing EVERYWHERE. That’s truly the most awkward part in one’s life. It’s inescapable."