Suck it, pants. I don’t care that it’s snowing; I refuse to wear anything but basketball shorts. I’m growing these ALMOST MAN LEGS and am workshopping MY NEWLY HAIRY CALVES to the world.

Check out how dry my skin looks. It’s because my body is telling me that I’m suffering and need to put on more layers. But as a thirteen-year-old boy in the suburbs, FASHION is more important to me than BASIC BODILY NEEDS.

And don’t even get me started on coats. Nothing cramps my style like cramping my arms with unnecessary warmth. I don’t need to cover up whatever God, in all HER wisdom, decided to bestow upon me. That’s right; God might be a woman. Got a problem with that? I guess I am just too LIBERAL-MINDED for you small-town folks, what with your long drab pants and sellout coats.

My mom is always saying things like, “Trevor, you’re going to catch a cold,” “Wow, good thing the closet is so warm right now,” or “I’m not washing the same pair of basketball shorts all winter long.”


We all know that style is all about confidence. So I’m approaching it with the “fake it till you make it” mentality. Only for me, “making it” means risking exposure in order to expose my DEVELOPING QUADS. To be cool, sometimes you have to be physically cool. The more you edge towards hypothermia, the EDGIER YOU ARE.

Imagine if a polar bear rolled up its fur and showed you its dank bones underneath. You’d be impressed, right? It’s kind of the same thing. I’m like a gnarly, brave polar bear, and everyone is JEALOUS.

Hey, guys! What a dumb day of school, AM I RIGHT? Biology sucks. LATER, DUDES.

Are they gone? Okay… the truth is I can’t look weak. I will not let the pants win against my burgeoning, frail masculinity. They will smother my newfound independence and reveal to the others that I’m not as strong as them. But it’s hard. I’m freezing all of the time. I want to hide under a blanket. I have no idea what’s going on with my body or brain. I feel lost.

Anyway, I have to go ice skating with my bros in these god-forsaken basketball shorts. THIS TREND-SETTER IS ON ICE, BABY.