“Hold me closer tiny dancer”
Hold me closer Tony Danza

“The girl with kaleidoscope eyes”
The girl with colitis goes by

“Gettin’ jiggy wit it”
Democracy is on the ropes and far too few people give a fuck.

“’Cause the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate”
The subtle chipping away of the fundamental principles of America, with relatively mild wrist-slaps for its worst conspirators, has warped the national psyche in a truly dangerous way. Without realizing it, we’re slowly accepting as “normal” abject nuttiness that would’ve been unthinkable even in the relatively halcyon TEA Party days.

“Everybody wants to rule the world”
If the twice-impeached former president badly dances his way back in, we truly might lose the values that have kept our relatively embryonic nation loosely stitched together. And if not him, one of his careless-toned, nuclearly partisan someone-you-wanna-have-a-coup-with acolytes could be as bad (worse?).

“There’s a bad moon on the rise”
There’s a bathroom on the right

“Hey now, you’re an All Star”
We also keep botching multiple pandemics and the lingering public health threats are grave and underreported. Only to become exponentially more disastrous if a President “MonkeyPox Is God’s Punishment” carries Florida and Pennsylvania.

“’Scuse me while I kiss the sky”
’Scuse me while I kiss this guy

“Mamma Mia, here we go again”
Don’t even get me started on our corrupted Supreme Court, which can now basically rule by Corinthians.

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”
Speaking of the court: why does no one seem to care about Ginni stop-the-steal Thomas?! Can you even imagine the misspelled protest signs if Justice Jackson’s spouse asked President Biden’s Chief of Staff to help overturn an election?!

“Last night I dreamt of San Pedro”
Last night I dreamt of some bagels

“Hit me with your best shot”
Fuck me, we haven’t even talked about guns…

“LA face with an Oakland booty”
…or race, or LGBTQ, or women’s rights. Goddammit!

“The answer my friend is blowin’ in the wind”
The ants are my friends, they’re blowin’ in the wind

“Tell me what you want, what you really really want”
You must register to vote, and you must do so in every election. There’s no longer such a thing as a minor referendum or minor government role. If your city dog catcher calls January 6 a harmless rally, then LEARN TO CATCH DOGS!

“A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me”
And this isn’t even partisan. If anything, good faith Republicans should be more hurt, offended, and outraged by what’s happened than anyone else! Every dinner guest should care when a party becomes weaponized, but Mr. Boddy has the most to lose.

“Hit me baby one more time”
Sorry if this sounds like a womp womp horn, but if anything this piece is downplaying how absolutely nuts literally everything is right now.

“All the single ladies, all the single ladies”
Would love to be all like, “ha, ha—jokey jokey—here’s some clever satire about ripe summer peaches from the perspective of a languishing fruit fly.” This just felt more important right now.

“I can see clearly now, the rain is gone”
I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

“We are the champions, my friend”
It’s just that this country is such a great experiment. If we don’t meet this moment, come together, and find tougher solutions for tough problems? Well, experiments do fail.

“Sweet dreams are made of these”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese

“We built this city on rock and roll”
We built this city on sausage rolls

“O’er the land of the free, and the home of the brave”
If we can keep it.

“Womp womp”