You always knew Four Loko, the high-alcohol canned malt beverage that was successfully sued for being too deadly, was bold as hell. Now, more than ever, it’s important for our brand to be woke as well. The youth today are more anti-capitalist and anti-materialist than ever, and they need those perspectives reflected in the products they consume. Well, kids, it’s time to pour your cans of (possibly racist) hard seltzer down the drain and restock the fridge, because Four Loko is officially woke.
Our signature beverages are no longer just for those who dare to live in the moment. Now it’s for anyone fighting for a more equal and inclusive future. At this pivotal moment in history, we must make our wokeness known. And by “woke,” we aren’t referring to the caffeine jolt our drinks used to contain before we got blamed for all those deaths back in 2010. We’re talking about opening our eyes to injustice and inequality. And let us tell you, that stuff is extreme.
What exactly does all this mean? We’re going to start championing all kinds of progressive ideas, and figure out ways to tie those causes into our product to imply this was always part of our “brand’s DNA.” Here’s an example…
We are outraged by growing income inequality in this country. That is why we price our 23.5-oz premium malt beverages at an accessible $3 per can. Bold flavor is a right, not a privilege. Even as the 1% accumulate more wealth while wages for the rest stagnate, we make sure any man, woman, gender non-binary individual, or teenager with a decent fake ID can enjoy a night for the ages.
When you crack into one of our refreshing flavors –– whether it’s the tangy rush of Blue Razz or the kidney-assaulting kick of Red –– we want you to put aside all your judgment and prejudice. Four Loko is for everybody and anybody. We don’t see color, aside from the aforementioned chromatically themed beverage concepts. Humanity comes in all different flavors, and we will raise a can to that any day. Not convinced of our wokeness yet? Here’s another bold stance:
The criminal justice system in America is in desperate need of reform. How is Purdue Pharma allowed to reap billions in profits selling opioids while sparking one of the greatest public health crises of our time? Yet a well-meaning beverage company can’t even mix the caffeine equivalent of two Red Bulls with the alcohol content of four beers into one can? Sounds like politicians care more about big donors than everyday Americans who just want to enjoy a relaxing blast of stimulants and depressants simultaneously.
Did we mention we’re anti-imperialism? We are absolutely that as well. And are we intersectional? Well, our double-fruity strawberry lemonade flavor might have something to say about that. Are we positive we know what these words mean? Just as much as anybody else.
All this is to say that our ethics are as strong as our 14% ABV kick, our quest for justice is as tireless as the most legendary of nights on the New Jersey coast, and…
None of us has any idea what we’re doing. Everyone wants to live a rich and fulfilling life then have the dignity of dying, knowing we left this planet a little better off than it was when we were born. But does anyone really know the way? Mustn’t there be some meaning or purpose to our lives? And can’t we somehow fulfill it within the confines of our job in the Four Loko marketing department?
How can we live morally, ethically, and yet totally epically? The answer is ever-elusive. Well, there is one thing we can do. For now, let’s pour a glass of everyone’s favorite radiant neon malt beverage and raise a toast.
Cheers, we are officially woke.