In what many insiders on the Street described as inevitable, a representative for the Federal Trade Commission has confirmed that Amazon.com, Inc.’s aggressive push to break into new and emerging markets has claimed another feather to place in its ever growing hat.
Your younger brother, Daniel, a 16 year-old sophomore at Central High School in Grand Rapids, Michigan, will now be a fully autonomous subsidiary operating under the umbrella of the Amazon family of brands.
The representative for the FTC, Norman Bagwell, chose to keep details regarding the approval process for what many observers characterize as a multi-billion dollar, market-altering acquisition close to the vest.
“They can just do that now,” he said, in an uncharacteristically brief press conference which concluded just minutes after Mr. Bagwell appeared to bury his head in his hands and begin softly weeping.
“We’re so, so excited about welcoming Daniel into the fold,” Amazon corporate spokesman Mitch “Mitch” Mitchum expressed through a statement this morning. “We’ve felt from the beginning that Daniel aligns perfectly with our core values at Amazon. Look no further than his groundbreaking Snapchats to Kate during his third period English class or his YouTube search history from Wednesday detailing a four-hour search for the sickest drum solo in history to represent the kind of new and innovative direction we want to take in the marketplace.”
“He’s a very good boy,” Mitchum later added. “Just a very good boy.”
Rumors about the acquisition heated up in Q2 of this year, as Daniel, fresh off trying to sneak out of his friend Bryce’s basement to drink a warm Bud Light Lime on Bryce’s trampoline, failed to publicly deny whispers that Amazon had expressed interest in the move via Twitter.
“wtf are u talking abt?” he tweeted, remaining coy regarding the talks.
But the rumor mill began spinning even faster when just minutes later, Bryce joined the conversation, and responded in the Tweet that rocked the Street: “lmao, trash.”
Daniel has been an elusive Wall Street darling ever since he debuted on the scene in 2001 on the backend of the dot-com boom, when Amazon was still cutting its teeth as the premier online marketplace. Insiders with knowledge of the e-commerce giant’s corporate strategy say that CEO Jeff Bezos has been trying to acquire your brother for some time, and was reportedly “fuming” earlier this year when Kate asked him to the Central High School Sadie Hawkins Dance in October.
“He flipped over a conference table,” a source close to Bezos reported on the condition he remained anonymous. "He was kind of, I guess, foaming at the mouth a little bit, and he was screaming that “it was time to destroy Kate.”"
But Amazon’s board remained wary of making any hasty moves that would affect the imminent launch of Amazon’s new wave of smart home devices based on their clever A.I. interface, “Alexa,” opting instead to wait out the storm and attempt to outspend smaller competitors like Kate.
“Kate is a 15-year-old girl,” the source disclosed.
Amazon’s plans for your brother Daniel are anyone’s guess, as many tenants of the acquisition still remain under wraps despite the blockbuster nature of the deal. Upon request for comment, Daniel referred us to his spokesperson, your mother, who was cleaning asparagus in preparation for what insiders have described as a “casserole.”
“He did what?” she cleverly deflected.