Orignally published April 10, 2020

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Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but I’m gonna be back in a few days, and when I return, I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy in them. And I want all the kids in town to go look for the eggs so they can eat the candy. This is all about the kids. Adults can’t help them look.

Oh, I almost forgot about the Easter Bunny. Easter is what you’re gonna call the day I come back to life, and the Easter Bunny is what you’re gonna call the man-sized rabbit that hides all the candy-filled eggs the children will hunt down.

Is this too weird? I don’t want this to feel weird. But it’s really important all of this happens every single year from now until forever.

Also, for forty days leading up to Easter, you need to give up one thing you love. Doesn’t have to be anything crazy. I recommend giving up candy because then you’ll be extra excited for those eggs. I don’t know if you noticed, but I totally gave up candy this month. And you can bet when I get back I’m digging into an Almond Joy.

Moving on, let’s talk about my birthday. Every year on my birthday, a guy named Santa is gonna break into your house and leave you presents. Let him do this. Encourage it.

None of you know who Santa is yet, but trust me: he’s real. He’s a large man in a red suit and a big white beard. He’s not related to me. To be honest, he kind of has nothing to do with me. But it’s important that you convince your kids this guy is the real deal.

Santa lives in the North Pole, which is a place that hasn’t been discovered yet. And when you do discover it, you’re not gonna find Santa. That’s because he’s magic, like me. He can travel around the world in one night and deliver presents to every single child. But only if that child’s family cuts down a tree and puts it inside their house.

I know what you’re thinking: “A dead tree inside our house? That sounds like a fire hazard!” All I have to say is: you saw me walk on water, but you’re second-guessing the tree thing? Come on. Also, keep a fire extinguisher nearby.

Back to the jolly man in red. Every shopping center needs to have at least one person dressed up like Santa so they can meet with all the town’s children and relay their wishes to the real Santa. Santa might be magic, but he doesn’t have time to listen to every single kid in the world. He’s got toys to make with his elves. Also, there are such things as elves. Also, Santa is technically an elf. But don’t worry about that stuff, that’s like hardcore canon stuff. Forget I even mentioned it.

One more thing about Easter. Remember Easter? Every year on the anniversary of today (the day I die), I want you to call that day Good Friday. I know right now it seems like a really, really bad Friday. But trust me, in the long run, you’re gonna see why this whole crucifixion is a good thing. I’m doing this for you. I’ve got your best interests in mind.

Alright, I’m gonna go now. I know nobody’s ever come back before, but I promise I’ll be back. Have a great weekend, and I’ll see you on Easter. Don’t forget to help the Man Bunny hide those eggs!

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McSweeney’s contributor Eli Grober’s hilarious new collection, This Won’t Help: Modest Proposals for a More Enjoyable Apocalypse is out now